


Numb

by Girlinaband



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abortion, Abuse, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Depression, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Pain, Past Abuse, Regret, Self-Harm, Triggers, boyinaband - Freeform, if you cry dw same, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 28,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlinaband/pseuds/Girlinaband
Summary: SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS! 13+ AT LEAST,  STRONG THEMES OF ABORTION, DEPRESSION, INFERTILITY, INSECURITY AND SELFHATRED. MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE, CURRENT ABUSE, AND A WHOLE LOTTA PAIN AND SHIT.ALSO THEYRE ALL OUT OF CHARACTER LOLWhen Dave finds himself in an difficult situation he makes the decision hes known since he was a teen. But was this decision right?  How will his actions effect him , his relationship, his life? With a mind filled with regret and a body full of nothing how will the cards play out?yo also i want to point out, I am 15. i use writing as a coping mechanism, and i decided to try something where their life was worse than mine, so as to make me feel better about mine. it didnt work, but i have spent weeks writing this so i thought i may as well post it. i know little of many of these subjects, so if im wrong or you feel i shouldnt talk about these things - thats my story behind this.
Relationships: Joel Berghult/David P. Brown, Marzia Bisognin/Felix Kjellberg
Comments: 24
Kudos: 21





	1. Decisions And Actions

**Author's Note:**

> each chapter will be approx 1000 words - i know theyre short its just easier and less stressful for me to type :D
> 
> also it is not too late to turn back

Have you ever had an event that changed your whole perception of the world? Something happened to you that ruined your life? Or worse, almost, that you caused it? It all seemed so good in the moment but there were unexpected repercussions? 

Dave has hated himself for a long time, and for many different reasons. The two things that he cant improve or remove though are the the fact he is a carrier and gay.  
He knows that 14.5% of men are carriers, and just under a quarter are LGBTQ+, but they usually overlap, and not all gays are bottoms. Somehow though Dave ended up with all 3. He hates himself for the fact that he has to take pills or use condoms or he could wind up pregnant, something he desperately doesn't want, and his boyfriend doesn't really either.

But of course the universe just wants to fuck him over, so after one drunken condon-less fumble we finds himself growing a child within him.

Dave cleans up the packaging in the dirty public bathroom on auto-pilot, slipping the test into his jacket pocket and washing his hands. He doesn't really feel anything - other than disgust. He knows he has to remove this thing as soon and as secretly as possible. However he also knows he can't do it alone. He pulls out his phone and clicks on the contact.  
“Hey Felix?” 

Dave sits on Felix’s sofa, head in his hands while Marzia rubs comforting circles on his back and Felix paces thoughtfully  
“You know, there's not been a male pregnancy this decade?” Dave nods. “You’ll really have to do your research - make sure you're safe.” Felix smiles, but his eyes pool with worry.  
“No need.” Dave says bluntly, tiredness seeping into his voice. “That's why I'm here. I wanted to ask you if you can do me a favour and take me to and from the abortion clinic.”  
“Why cant joel do it?”  
“Felix!” Marzia scolds, then softens when she talks to the long haired man beside her. “Of course we'll do it, please ignore my husband's lack of manners.”  
“Thank you Marzia. And Felix, it's fine. I don't want to worry Joel, he has enough on his plate.”  
“Of course I'm happy to do it. And Dave - he's your boyfriend, it's his job to worry about you. Joel would drop everything for you - do anything to make you happy.”  
“Exactly. he’d drop everything- but it's not important. And the thing that'll make me happy is getting rid of this… thing-” he gestures disgustedly at his stomach. “As fast and as quietly as possible. I don't want any worry, or drama, or trouble.” he hangs his head and looks so young and vulnerable Felix and Marzia feel an urge to protect him - the same way you would if you saw a precious lost child.  
“Okay Dave, we’ll help.” Felix says gently,and Marzia hugs him carefully.  
“Thank you.” he whispers hoarsely, on the brink of tears.  
“It's no problem.” Marzia squeezes him gently.

A week later the day arrives. Dave feels anxious and jittery - a little scared but he tries not to show it - but mainly relieved. Relieved that tonight he'll come home and this period of panic in his life will be over.  
He dresses casually - but also baggy and comfortable, unsure of whether he'd be in pain when he leaves. Felix texts him, saying he's outside.  
“Baby? Thats me off.” He calls out to Joel, who comes in and kisses his cheek softly.  
“Where are you going?” He snakes his arms around Dave's waist.  
“Out with Felix, remember?” He cuddles the shorter man.  
“Oh yeah. Have fun babe.” He laughs gently - surgery, very fun.  
“Thanks.” He tilts Joel's chin up. “Dont do anything stupid while I’m gone.” Joel giggles as their lips connect. They stay locked together until a loud car horn startles them apart.  
“That'll be Felix - I love you, bye baby.” He pecks him one last time before collecting his stuff.  
“Love you too, see you babe.”

The car journey is relatively quiet, there's some general smalltalk, but they fall into an uncomfortable silence, weighted by the impending event. When they pull into the car park, Dave looks terrified. Felix reaches over and takes his hand.  
“Hey, you okay? Do you want me to come in with you?” Dave takes a few deep breaths before replying.  
“N-no I, uh, I should be fine. Get my big boy pants on and get it over with.” Dave can feel himself disconnecting from the situation. “Oh, here's thirty quid, it's partly thanks and partly for a crappy t-shirt to pretend to Joel with.” He presses the money into Felix's hand, who immediately gives it back.  
“Dave, no. It's a favour between bros. And after what you're going through the least I can do is buy you a t-shirt. Besides, not to flex, but I'm a millionaire.” He jokes.  
“But, please take it. I don't want to take anything from you.”  
“I dont want your fucking money Dave. I want you to be happy. Okay?” He nods. “Okay. look after yourself, I'll be back in a bit.” They get out and Felix hugs him carefully.  
“Thank you.” Dave whispers.  
“Be careful, remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You sure you don't want me to come in?” His voice is filled with worry again.  
“It'll be fine.” Dave says, trying to convince himself as much as Felix. The squeeze each other one last time, before pulling away and Dave enters the abortion clinic.

He doesn't really feel anything as he speaks to the receptionist, or sits in the waiting room, or even when his name is called and he's taken by a bubbly young nurse to the doctors office. It's not until he's lying on a hospital bed having an ultrasound done that he even hears anything - and he can't even identify what he hears. It's a small fast rhythmatic fluttering, echoing throughout the small room.  
"What is that?"  
"Ah- sorry. Most people don't like to hear that. It's the feotus's heartbeat." Before Dave has time to register the doctor's words he's being whisked away into an operation room, where the surgeon explains what's going to happen, then a pretty young nurse is putting a mask on him and next thing you know Dave's out cold.


	2. Graveness, Goodness And Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter sorry!

When Dave wakes up there's a nurse there, handing him yoghurt. He takes it andopens it - veganism forgotten in his hunger.  
“Have you called Felix?” he yawns tiredly.  
“Yes dear. Once you've eaten that you have one last check up then you can see him and go home.” She smiles. “Do you need help getting up?” He tries.  
“Ow.” He mumbles. He looks - there's a thin stitched up incision across his stomach. Dave manages to get into a sitting position. “Will this scar?” He asks timidly.  
“Not if you keep it clean.” She smiles. “I'll be back soon!” She totters out and Dave downs his yoghurt. 10 minutes later a different nurse comes in, followed by a doctor who prods and pokes his stomach a little, before handing him his clothes and discharging him. 

He tries to get his clothes on, but moving too much hurts. Thankfully Felix comes in, and helps him - which is both mortifyingly embarrassing and a total relief. He stumbles out, held up by Felix. While he talks to the receptionist Dave looks around at the other people there. It's almost all young girls. There's a few older druggie types, and then there's a woman not much younger than him and her partner. She's crying, and saying no, while he is forcefully telling her it's for the best, that it'll ruin his reputation if he has a child, in hushed whispers.

If Dave had more energy he'd sort that asshole out himself, but instead he turns to the receptionist.  
“Excuse me?” He says in a low voice. “Can you keep an eye on that couple? It seems like he's forcing her into this.” She promises she will, and that nothing will happen without the woman's full consent - they'll get the police in if need be.

Felix basically carries Dave to his car.  
“You didn't have to do that in there. I think it's amazing you did.”  
“Yeah, well. I know what it's like to be in a toxic relationship.” He settles down. “Can I sleep?”  
“Yeah go ahead. Do you want to go home or to my house?”  
“Home.” He just wants his bed. Dave falls asleep while Felix drives, until he starts whimpering and whining. Felix shakes him awake.  
“It had a heartbeat!” Dave yells.  
“You okay?”  
“Bad dream.” He mumbles and falls straight back asleep, leaving Felix pondering his words. The mixture of ‘toxic relationship’ and ‘it had a heartbeat’ seem suspicious to him, and he prays it isn't Joel.

He washes that thought away immediately. Joel would never hurt Dave, or force him into anything. He is like a big loving puppy.

A thought strikes him - is Dave possibly having subconscious regrets? It is a possibility, and seems more likely than Joel being abusive. Felix decides then to check on Dave much more often, so he doesn't fall into a depression.

Dave doesn't really remember much - like how Felix helped him out of the car, or undressed him for bed. Or the Twenty One Pilots hoodie he gave him as a cover, or that he'd told Joel he was attacked on the streets by a transphobe, who got a few good gut punches in. he has flashes of these these moments, but the bigger picture was like trying to listen to a radio station that is 85% static.

What Dave remembers is waking up, in pain, being spooned by Joel. He gets the paracetamol from his bedside drawer,and takes a few. He settles back under Joel's arm, but it feels wrong with the secret Dave's hiding from him. He shuffles out of his grasp and lies, uncomfortably, staring at the ceiling.

Sleep doesn't come for a long time, and when it does his dreams are plagued with images of little girls with dark hair and blue eyes, or boys with light hair and covered in mud.

When Dave wakes he brushes it off as the hormones flying around confused before they leave his body. 

Still, he catches himself thinking about them throughout the day.  
“Babe?” Joel asks, snapping him out of his daze. “Are you okay?”  
“Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine.” He tries to smile, but it looks fake and forced.  
“Come here.” Dave hesitates, but sits beside Joel anyway. He pulls the older boys head down until he's curled up on his chest. “I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but don't lie and hide everything. Please don't shut me out again, I couldn't bear it.” Dave stays silent, willing him to run his fingers through his hair. As if he is reading his mind, Joel does. “Please Dave? I want to help but I can't if you push me away.” Dave sighs and weighs his words carefully.  
“I am fine, just a little, uh, dazed.and confused. And sore.” He whispers.  
“Thank you baby. Tell you what, let's go upstairs and find a movie, that way you can lie down, and focus on that, not your thoughts.” Dave nods, and they traipse upstairs. Joel finds a weird spacey sci-fi film that Dave likes and they settle in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment <3


	3. The Blonde Is The Only Non-Dumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't beta read this chapter sorry if theres mistakes!!

Over the next two weeks Dave continues to dream about varying toddlers, and often catches himself putting his hands on his tummy, only to pull them away as if he’d been burned. And whenever he's lost in thought he hears the fluttering heartbeat. It hurts him, knowing that gorgeous sound stopped at his hand.

It's not until they go to Felixs for a collab that any of this makes any sense to Dave.

"Boys? Are you staying for dinner?" Marzia asks sweetly.  
"Uh-" Joel looks to Dave.  
"I wouldn't want to intrude…"  
"Oh, it's no trouble. You're always welcome here."  
"Aww thank you."  
"Thank you Marzia."  
"Stop stealing my boys Marzia!" Felix sticks his tongue out immaturely. She does the same and walks out giggling.

They finish the video, and Joel and Felix end up enthusiastically talking in swedish so Dave joins Marzia in the kitchen.  
"Hey, need a hand with anything?" He asks politely.  
"Oh, um, yes could you chop those leeks please?"  
"Yeah sure." He washes his hands and gets to work while Marzia works quietly beside him.  
"Dave? I don't wish to pry, but are you okay? Mentally I mean." She says softly.  
I- I'm not sure. I- nevermind."  
"No, you can tell me, whats up?" She sets down her knife, and looks at him in a motherly way. Dave breaks and ends up telling her all the weird stuff happening to him.

"I just, I want to know what's happening. I don't know what's wrong with me!"  
"Dave…" Marzia looks up at him sadly, and opens her arms. He falls into them. "Have you considered that you're having regrets about what you did? That you were so blindly sure it was what you wanted that you didn't think about the other options, or your feelings? That maybe, you did want a baby?" Dave jolts.  
"No- I-" He frowns heavily, thinking about it. A child, with Joel, an imperfect little family - it seems so lovely, dreamlike.  
"Oh."  
"Oh indeed. You okay?" He nods. "Good. You can talk to me about whatever, you know. But with this I would advise talking to Joel - he needs a say if you do decide to have children." She squeezes him, then let's go to stir the soup. Dave returns to chopping the leeks, dazed.  
"Thank you- but I don't want to tell him until I know myself." She nods in understanding and a comfortable silence wraps around them as they cook together.

That is, until the loud boisterous Swedish boys come in, laughing and joking with two excited pugs in their arms, ruining the peace and calm tranquility. Dave sighs and pushes his emotions away, trying to return his happy facade.  
"Yo Dave, why'd you leave bro?" Felix yells.  
"I can't speak Swedish." He shrugs.  
"You shoulda just said." Joel smiles.  
"It's fine. Marzia and I had fun." Felix and his wife have an unspoken conversation, and Felixs whole attitude changes.  
“Oh well. As long as you enjoyed yourself right?”  
“Right.” Joel frowns and Dave immediately takes to his side. He looks up at his taller boyfriend, and Dave notices again how gorgeous he is - how he hopes their children look like Joel and not him.

He brushed it away, stubbornly not wanting to admit his longing for a family.

There's a long awkward pause in conversation, broken by Marzia announcing that dinner’s ready, and they should go and help themselves. They all get food and sit down, normal small talk resuming as usual.

When inferior Swede and male feminist get home, there's an uncomfortable tension between them - Daves end being caused by his conversation with Marzia, whilst Joels is caused by something the Kjellburg couple said at dinner.

They're sitting in the living room, watching anime and eating crisps - Dave is as far away from Joel as he can be ‘casually.’  
“What do you think about life goals?” Joel asks, suddenly.  
“Elaborate?”  
“Like, engagement, marriage, having kids -” Daves heart beats faster. “-you know. Life goals.”  
“Milestones? A social construct pressuring us to do things otherwise we’ll be deemed a failure?” Dave says, trying to look bored. “Why do you ask?”  
“Well,” Joel squirms a little. “Wouldn't it be nice to do some of those things? Like Felix is married, considering kids, etc. and well - when he was talking about it i was thinking about us, doing those things?” Joel turns a shade of red much darker than the streak in Dave's hair.  
“Ouch. Davies gonna be hurt you're cheating on him.” Dave teases but is met with a glare. “Okay! Okay. I haven't given it much thought.”  
“Oh. Ok.” Joel seems content with the lie and shortly after they go to bed.

Dave barely sleeps. He thinks about what Marzia said, then his feelings about children.

On the whole they'd never really appealed to him - crying and pooping for no reason and not particularly attractive. When they grow up he supposes they're not so bad. They are also expensive, and high effort. But despite all the negatives, Dave finds himself longing for a family with Joel.

Then, around 2AM, he remembers he could've had one, but he ruined it in one rash decision. The fluttering heart beat stopped by his younger selves thoughts. That perfect toddler killed by not talking to Joel.

Hours later sleep finally finds him, but it's plagued by the beautiful children being taken in different ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please <3


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next fortnight Dave fell into a heavy depression. He didn't get dressed, brush his hair. When he woke up it was only to move to the sofa, but he either slept for hours or not at all. He brushed his teeth and showered when Joel forced him to. He didn't eat, and when he did it was a junk food binge that often came back up. Dave just sat and stared into nothingness, or played stupid games on his phone. Often though, he just stared into the black screen and hated the murderer who stared back at him.

Joel became insanely worried - as any boyfriend would - and ended up asking Felix to try talking to him, as Joel couldn't get a peep out of him.

Felix’s heart breaks as he sees the man before him. Dave's hair is matted and tangled, eyes sinking into his face, eyebags so dark it seems he hasn't slept in days. He's thin, and looks so hurt and defeated when their eyes meet.  
“Did Marzia talk to you?” Daves voice sounds strained and rough, after weeks of rest. Felix nods, surprised that the long haired man spoke first, as Joel made him out to be mute. “I regret it Felix. I should've listened. I'm a murderer, killing mine and Joel's child…”  
“Shh. It's okay. You're not a murderer - you panicked. I should've talked to you more. Im sorry. But Dave, this isn't going to help. You need to talk to Joel.” Dave makes a quiet noise of distress, so Felix squats down beside him and takes his hand. “Hey, hey, listen. You want children? You want a family with Joel?” He says desperately.  
“Yes, absolutely.” Dave sounds defeated and empty.  
“Then there's a few things you need to do. First you need to mourn and heal. Then you need to tell Joel - it takes two to make a baby y’know!” He tries to joke, but Dave just looks scared. “You don't need to tell him about that day if you don't want to, but I think Joel would like to know, and he'd be understanding. He's really worried - god, I’m shit at this stuff - and uh, if you're worried about him not wanting children? Don't tell him I told you but he's been considering talking to you about that for months now.”  
“I- come up here.” Dave pulls Felix up onto the sofa to hug him. “I'm scared he'll be mad at me for having the- y'know. And I’m scared I won’t be able to get pregnant again, or I'll be a bad dad. Mom?”   
“Ah Dave - he might be a little upset for a while but he loves you and wants you to be happy - now -”  
“No, he's gonna be angry at me for not telling him and that I didn't do what he wanted!” Dave interrupts, scared and looking like he's going to be hit.  
“Hey, hey, hey. No. no, he won't. And if he is call me and I'll take you somewhere safe. Dave-” Felix sighs. “Dave is Joel hurting you?”  
“What? No! Joel's amazing he-”  
“Dave, I need you to tell me the truth. Why do you always look like someones going to hit you? I’m worried.”   
“I- when I was 25 I had a bad relationship with a man, then again when I was 28. Joel’s my first since then. It’s just, I was better and then it got worse when this depressive episode started. It's not Joel, it's all in the past now.” Dave smiles, a coping mechanism Felix came to expect. “Joel already knows about that.”  
“Ok. Thank you for telling me. Now- you said you're scared you won't be able to get pregnant? There's some things with you right now that’d reduce your chances.” Felix explains a load about diets, mindsets, wellbeing and exercise.

“How'd you know all this stuff?” Dave asks shyly after thanking him, and writing it in his phone notes.  
“I did my research for Marzia.” This becomes a conversation about Marzia, and then Joel.  
“I don’t know - I’ve not spoken to him in days.” Dave frowns.  
“Weeks actually. God Dave - when was the last time you hugged him?”  
“Like a month ago? Oh god I- I’m a terrible boyfriend.”  
“Well, I'm going to have to go back to the wifey. You should talk to Joel, hug him a bit. He misses you, okay? Baby steps. And if you need to talk you have mine and Marzia’s numbers. Alright?” Felix hugs him.  
“Alright.” They say their goodbyes and Felix gets in his car and immediately calls Marzia.  
“How is he?”  
“Worse than we thought.”

Dave hears Felix’s car pull away, and he sighs.  
“Baby steps.” he whispers to himself, and moves to the kitchen. “Joel.” he shouts, and it's almost funny how fast the Swedish boy rushes down the stairs, except his face is etched with concern and fear.  
“I- you- I- are you okay?” His words jumble.  
“I- I’m sorry.” Dave whispers and opens his arms. Joel's face is filled with surprise, and he trips over himself with how fast he goes to embrace Dave. he lets Dave's head fall onto his shoulder and they rock together quietly, swaying, enjoying each other's touch which they'd been deprived of for so long.  
“I- I’ve missed you.” Joel whispers shakily.  
“Oh, oh no Joel, don't cry.” Dave straightens up and wipes his tears carefully, then hesitantly presses their lips together. Joel just cries harder.  
“Goddamn it, you're making me cry.” Dave- who isn't usually a crier - sniffles. Joel lets out a watery laugh and just holds onto his boyfriend like he's the only thing holding him down. They rock together, mumbling to each other, trying to control their tears and occasionally giggling.

They fall asleep on the sofa, still holding onto each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all it is 3am if you think this was editted you are dead fucking wrong. i ent even apologising. suck it up


	5. Secrets Spilled, Shaking and Implied Sexual Content

Dave builds back his relationship with Joel, things almost return to normal for them - with the exception of any sexual acts, or anything that meant Dave had to remove clothes, and Daves mounting guilt over the secrets hes keeping from Joel.

It takes almost 3 weeks and numerous calls to Marzia for Dave to pluck up the courage to talk to him. He waits until Joel has finished filming for the day so his subscribers don't pick up on any off moods and makes his favourite for dinner - vegan macaroni cheese. They sit down to eat, Dave concealing his nerves.  
"So, I, uh, what do you think about kids?" He asks, trying to be casual.  
"Bit annoying. Wouldn't mind having one or two of my own." Joel squints across at him accusingly. "You hate kids, what's brought this on?" Dave feels very uncomfortable suddenly.  
"I- I was pregnant." He mutters, pushing his pasta around.  
"You-! Wait, was?" Dave nods and the excitement falls off Joel's face. "What happened? Did you have a- did you lose the baby?" Dave shakes his head, sighs and squeezes his eyes shut.  
"I- I had an abortion." He chokes out. "I panicked. I got Felix to take me. I was still adamant I didn't want kids, there was no attacker on shopping day - and uh. Yeah I've really regretted it. Marzia made me realise. I- I decided I do want a family. With you. But I was so depressed because I thought I'd murdered our child but Felix talked to me. I'm still really sad and upset by it. I keep thinking, if I hadn't done it, what would I be doing right now instead. I- it hurts." He pulls up his knees and rocks gently, eyes still tightly closed.

"You- you were pregnant? And you got rid of it? Without talking to me?" Dave flinches at how loud Joel's being, and his tone. He peeks up at him from beneath his eyelashes and is met with Joel's face, filled with anger. He pulls away instinctively.  
"I can't believe you kept this from me - all 3 of you! You just didn't think to inform your boyfriend and fucking father of your child about your condition and decision? Unbelievable!" Joel throws his hands up, and Dave flinches away whimpering.

He immediately softens and takes the older boy's hand.  
"Hey, no. I'm not going to hurt you baby. I'm just a bit upset no one told me, and I'm a bit shocked and overwhelmed. I just wish you'd've talked to me so we could have avoided all this hurt." He cuddles the shaking boy as he explains. Dave eventually calms down enough to realise Joel isn't really angry, and won't hurt him.

"I- I'm sorry." Dave gasps between shaky breaths. "You- you were working so h- so hard I didn't want to worry you and, and then, the longer it went the, the, the scarier it se-seemed. I'm sorry." Joel hushes him and kisses his forehead.  
"Relax. I'm not mad, okay? Don't be scared babe, and don't worry about worrying me. I'm your boyfriend, it's my job to worry about you." Dave laughs shakily, breathing returning to normal slowly.  
"That's exactly what Felix said." He closes his eyes and hides his face in Joels hoodie. His arms snake around the younger man so they're embracing each other.

It's quiet for a nice moment before Joel speaks softly again.  
"You really want kids?" Dave doesn't miss the hopeful undertones in his voice.  
"Yeah I, I really do. I spoke to Marzia a lot and, well I've been thinking about it for nearly 2 months and I- I'm sure." 

Joel's face cracks into a giant grin and with no warning he grabs Dave's face and kisses him deeply. When he pulls away he's still radiated joy from every part of him, unable to keep a smile off his face.  
"I- you'd never wanted kids so I pushed it away but I've always really wanted children. I- god Dave." He presses kisses to every inch of Dave's face happily, eventually making the older man crack and start giggling. "So," he says between kisses. "When do you want these kids? A year? Two? Four? In nine months?" He giggles but Dave goes quiet.   
"When would you have kids? You're the one with the successful channel who has to do work." Joel shakes his head.  
"No- I'm flexible. Your feelings aren't. If you want kids as soon as possible we can start now. If you want to wait a few years that's fine too." Dave hums.  
"Now is as good as time as ever." Joel grins.  
"I was hoping you'd say that. Right now?" He starts to kiss up his neck, and Dave's breath catches. He tilts his head to give the Swedish boy easier access.  
"I- you can see my surgery incision." Dave mumbles, seeming embarrassed. Joel drops to his knees, lifts his shirt and kisses the mark. He gets back up to the blushing boys level and kisses him. Dave's legs lock behind Joel's back and his hands find his neck and chest.  
"Okay?" He breathes, not wanting to push Dave into anything.  
"Okay." He confirms.  
"Should I carry you up to the bedroom love?" Joel giggles.   
"You couldn't even if you wanted to." Dave laughs, and the younger boy raises an eyebrow. His hands slide under Dave's thighs and he scoops him up. "Joel! No! Put me down! Joel!" He squeals and he carries him to the door before putting him down carefully.  
"Oof- you're right. I also don't want to drop you down the stairs." They laugh, running upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one:  
> Dave *has panic attack*  
> Joel: yo lets fuck  
> Dave: lol okay


	6. Girl Talk (With A Boy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters sorry!

"Hey Marzia?" Dave says down the phone the next day.  
"What?" She replies excitedly. "OOH! Something happened didn't it?" He laughs softly.  
"Can you come over? I'll tell you everything."   
"Of course! I'll be round in ten."   
"Thanks." They hang up after simple 'see you soon's.

Marzia arrives fifteen minutes later, bearing snacks. She dumps them on the table and sits beside Dave.  
"Come on pretty boy. I need the tea sis!" She teases.  
"Do you want a drink?" He asks rolling his eyes   
"There's a bottle of wine in there somewhere." Dave gets up and pours her a glass, while getting himself some ribena. When he sits back down he winces, trying to be discreet but Marzia notices and her jaw drops.

"Oh, someone got LAID, laid!" She laughs manically. "Holy shit. How did this happen, details, I need details!" Dave turns very red.  
"Shh! Joel's upstairs filming!" She points but quietens. "I told him." He admits quietly.  
"Which part?"   
"All of it…" Marzia takes his hand.  
"I'm proud! That was very brave of you. How'd he take it?"   
"He was angry at first that we didn't tell him, then really happy. And then we decided to try again, and, well, yeah."  
"Oh! I'm so happy for you! How did you cope?"  
"I nearly had an attack of some sort, and I was very, uh, shy I guess. But it turned out fine." He smiles and Marzia hugs him gently.   
"Agh! I'm so- this is amazing! So baby Berghult could be in you right now?" Dave makes a face.  
"Ew, don't say that. And hypothetically yes but in reality probably not." Marzia pouts.  
"Well, be sure to keep me updated, okay? If you're pregnant Auntie Marzia wants to be the first to know!" Dave laughs.  
"Of course. And if you rock up up the duff anytime, Uncle Dave demands to be told asap!"  
"Well duh."

They settle in for a relaxed netflix marathon. Halfway into the Bee Movie (which was put on as a joke but both adults are thoroughly enjoying) Joel comes down.  
"Just filmed like four videos, I'm exhauste- oh hey Marzia. I didn't hear you arrive."  
"Hey Joel." Dave pouts unknowingly, and Joel kisses him on the forehead before settling beside him.  
"Marzia and I were just catching up on the 'tea' and now we're watching uh, the Bee Movie. Wish to join?"   
"Sure." They resume the movie, 3 confused adults watching a movie made for kids and finding it better than half the TV shows their friends watch (like EastEnders or the X Factor.) 

Completely immersed in the film Dave doesn't notice Joel's fallen asleep on his shoulder until the movie ends.  
"Aww-" Dave murmurs.  
"We get it! You're in love! Gross!" Marzia teases. "Nah, you're adorable. But sadly it's getting late and I'll have to get back to Felix before he burns the house down or something." Dave laughs and they exchange goodbyes and promises to visit and call soon.

When she leaves Dave puts on a podcast and cuddles into his sleeping boyfriend, eventually carrying him to bed (with some difficulty) and he falls asleep much happier than he has in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT OR ILL CRY PLS
> 
> lol u dont have to but like,,,, please


	7. Perfect, Pretty, Panicking,Passed Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> again, a bitch is short. dont kill me. thanks.

Joel feels super happy. He's going to start a family as soon as possible, something he's wanted for a while, and his boyfriend is better than before.

While Dave is far from fixed, and his mind continues to try to guilt him, he's so much happier. He talks to Marzia daily, telling her everything, and she does the same. He has Joel to confide in as well. A huge weight was lifted by speaking to him about everything, and now they've made the decision to have children, he's a different man to the one he was mere weeks ago. It's a visible change too, not only in actions but appearance. After weeks of a bad diet, he picks back up his vegan habits and his body fills back out, the acne he gained from the food and stress clears, and his skin looks better than ever. His hair becomes softer, smoother, silkier naturally. His smile returns, eyes light up, and there's a definite bounce in his step. He was glowing.

After almost a full month of this decision to have a family Marzia tells him this.  
"You're gorgeous, so healthy, you're positively glowing!" She beams at him. He blushes and looks down at a thread he's pulling in his shirt.  
"No I'm not. I look the same as always." He mumbles.  
"No, you don't. Follow me." She leads him to a massive mirror. "I don't know why we have this either. But look!" She points out all the changes to Dave who giggles awkwardly.  
"Hey, who knows, maybe it's a mother's glow." He laughs, joking but Marzia goes serious.  
"Maybe it is- oh my god! Do you think….?"  
"No." Dave shakes his head. "I'm not. I can tell you how. I've not had any signs, other than this so- called glow."   
"All pregnancies are different. Come on Dave, do a test just for me?" She pouts and he realises he can't win.  
"Fine. But I'm not." 

He ends up really scared while they wait for the timer to go off indicating the test has his results.

'What if I am?' He thinks worriedly. 'What if I am? Is now really the best time for kids - I thought we'd have longer before I- what if Joel is angry Marzia knew before him again? What if, what if, what if…: 

The alarm goes off, throwing him back to reality. He's shaking and Marzia takes his hand as he shuts off the alarm. He smiles at her in thanks, takes a deep breath and flips the test.

It's negative.

Dave isn't ready for the impact this has. It is like a blow to the stomach, and he falls to his knees, staring at the single line in the tiny screen.   
'Idiot. Why did you ever tell Joel? He'll never really love you after what you did. Of course it's negative, you could never get pregnant again. And when Joel realises he'll leave you to find some girl to have his babies. The test was obviously negative after what you did to your last baby. Baby killer, baby killer, baby kill-" 

Dave doesn't realise Marzia has left until she comes bursting in the door, Joel hot on her heels. He tries to say he's fine, but he can't breathe. He's shaking and crying, trying to get air but failing, panic rising and feeling dizzier.

Joel drops to his knees beside him, and put Dave's hand on his chest, trying to get him to follow his breathing but Dave doesn't and then- 

He blacks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment or ill.... uh.... pull a shane dawson on ur cat
> 
> slow updates after this chapter, sorry!


	8. Crying And Cats

Dave wakes just a mere minute later, however in that minute Joel has got himself so worked up that Felix is having to calm him down before he goes the same way Dave did. He tries to sit up but Marzia pushes him back down gently.  
"Joel? He's awake." She calls, being loud but still soft. Immediately a body is slung across his chest, knocking the air out of his lungs.

It's Joel, sobbing and shaking.

"I- you- I- I was, so, so, worried and- and- god!" Dave hugs him carefully, pushing away his own feelings to look after his boyfriend.  
"Shh, shh. It's okay, I'm fine, we're fine." Joel continues to cry, while Felix and Marzia sit awkwardly on the bathtub. He gestures with his head for then to leave, but Felix snorts.  
"And leave you two to either have panic attacks and black out alone, or fuck on my floor? No thanks bro. We're staying." Dave huffs and sits up, Joel cradled to his chest.  
"Can I at least have some water?" He asks, feeling a little lightheaded. Felix eyes Marzia carefully before leaving to get him a glass.

Dave continues to comfort Joel feeling a little shell shocked. How did he, the one who had the traumatic experience, panic attack and passed out, end up being his boyfriends rock?

When Joel is calmer he sits and kisses him. Dave is hyper aware of Marzia's eyes on them. As soon as they break away Dave begins to cry.

It's not loud, full body sobs. The tears fall silently down his cheeks. His face is expressionless and he feels himself disconnecting a little.

Marzia looks away awkwardly, as Joel - still hiccuping - begins to gently wipe Dave's tears and whispers reassuringly to him. She's saved by Felix coming in and giving Dave his water. He drinks it slowly, but all at once, and when he's done his tears have stopped.  
"I want to go home." He whispers.  
"No, I'm not letting either of you drive right now. You're staying here." Felix says firmly.  
"I need to feed Quistis." He argues quietly. Felix mentalky weighs out his options.  
"Fine. But I am driving you home, and I want to know if anything happens. If I don't hear from you in 24 hours I will break into your house!" Marzia puts a hand on her husband's chest.  
"I think what he means to say is we want to know if you're okay. Clearly he's not the best at expressing concern." She sighs. "We are worried though. If we can help, please let us know how."  
"Thanks. I do think though, we just need to go home and talk it out." Joel smiles forcefully.

Once home Dave immediately rushes to the cat bed from which Quistis rarely ventures from and picks her up. She wriggles a little, before accepting her fate. He sits down on the sofa, ignoring Joel completely, and just strokes his cat. His eyes ache as he starts crying again, staring into Quistis's eyes. She starts drooling all over him, purring, whilst also looking disappointed and judgemental. He can picture her thoughts.  
'Gods sake David. This isn't good is it?' He imagines her saying in her Luna Lovehood voice. 'A simple thing like that shouldn't cause all this. It's quite silly. Pull yourself together boy.'  
"It is quite pathetic, isn't it?" He says quietly, and she mews as if in agreement.

"Are we not going to talk about what happened?" Joel asks, coming into the room. Dave shrugs.  
"Depends what you know and what you want to know." He says, tears still rolling down his face, but he's weirdly calm.  
"First of all," he sits beside him, Quistis glaring at him, warning him to stay away from her owner. "Well, all I know is you took a test, it was negative and you passed out from some kind of attack. Why did you even take a test when you know you're probably not pregnant yet, it's only been a month, and you need to be at least two weeks for them to work?"  
"Marzia asked me to. I knew it'd be negative but I didn't want to fight with her." He focuses on his cat, taking off his glasses and deliberately not looking at Joel.  
"Then if you knew it would be negative why did you have an attack?"   
"It's very different, it being in your head and physically there in front of you." Dave snaps. "I wouldn't expect you to understand." He spits bitterly, tears falling faster. Joel realises how insensitive his question was.  
"Oh- no baby, I didn't mean-" He tries to hug Dave but he flinches away violently, scaring Quistis who jumps off his knee. He stands up and wipes his tears fiercely.   
"Done questioning me?" He chokes, and doesn't wait for an answer before running out.

Joel gets a strong feeling he's sleeping on the sofa tonight.

Dave sits in the shower crying and wallowing in self-loathing. When he stands to actually shower he seems to notice every imperfection- especially the thin scar on his stomach. 

He gets into bed with wet hair, and alone. After a few hours of battling his intrusive thoughts he wraps himself in the duvet and walks down to where Joel is watching anime on the sofa. He doesn't say anything, just sits on the floor between Joel's legs. He begins to take strands of his boyfriends hair and plait them, waiting for Dave to speak.

"I'm sorry. I overreacted - you didn't know. It's - it's a lot right now. I don't know. There was hope I could be pregnant, which helped keep my thoughts at bay. But seeing that I definitely wasn't it - everything spilled over." He whispers after a few minutes of quiet deliberation.  
"No, sweetie. I'm sorry. I was being insensitive. I need to think before I speak." Joel's hands keep steadily braiding his hair, and Quistis comes flouncing in and crawls into Dave's lap. "I think we need to talk about your thoughts." Dave shakes his head. "If not with me, with someone? Marzia?" Somehow this seems worse and Dave sighs.  
"I- well. My thoughts pre-test, while I was waiting for the results was what if it's positive? Are we ready? Would you be mad Marzia knew before you again?" He pauses, worried Joel will start laughing, then continues in a smaller voice. "Then afterwards - I… Well, I kept thinking that you'd leave me, because I killed our baby, and I won't be able to get pregnant again, so you'll leave me for a girl who can. And that I won't be able to have another because I killed my first and that I'm a murderer." He strokes Quistis anxiously, waiting for a response.

After a few moments of excruciating suspense Joel slides down til he's sat on the floor behind Dave, his chest flush to his back. He wraps his arms around the older boy and takes his hand, fingers laced together over his stomach.  
"Baby, I will never leave you." He murmurs.  
"Statistically-"  
"Shh,shh. Stop being a scientist and let me love you. I will never leave you - especially not just because you can't have children. When I first got into a relationship with you, I didn't even know you could, remember? I was sure we would have to adopt or something, but you're amazing, a beautiful miracle of science. But even if you can't - I don't care. We can adopt." He kisses Dave's neck softly as it's all he can reach. "And I will never hate you for your decision, I swear. But some way or another we will be happy, we will be okay. We will have a family. Whether they come from your womb-" He rubs their interlocked fingers in a circle on Dave's stomach. "-Or in someone else's, they will still be ours, and loved. Okay?"  
"Okay." Dave mumbles, and snuggles into Joel's chest.

Later, when they go up to bed, they fall asleep, fingers still laced together over Dave's tummy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this fic is the longest documented time of dave and joel not insulting each other
> 
> c o m m e n t
> 
> yall are lurking i just want ur opinions ;-;


	9. Stereotypical Sleepover

A mere week later it's Joel's birthday. He'd had it planned for a while to go to Sweden, so Dave is alone in the flat.

Everything is eerier and darker without Joel's bright personality warming it. Dave has never felt more scared, or alone. Every shadow is a threat, every noise is frightening. Every thought is overwhelming.

After the first night Dave calls Marzia and very shyly asks her if either she can stay with him, or he with her. She's oddly delighted, and tells him he has to pack and come to hers straight away. He does, and that's how he ends up in one of the Kjellburg's spare rooms, dancing and singing with the most famous youtuber in the world's wife.

She's in a dress worthy for a luxury night out, pale pink with a black corset detail, and white converse high tops. Her pink hair flips about as she jumps around, as does Dave's. They're both grinning and laughing.  
"This is so much fun! It's been ages since I've had a sleepover with anyone! Later lets go full stereotypical bullshit." Dave agrees, not entirely sure what this includes but knows he'll probably have fun.

He does. They sit, Marzia's laptop playing some sci-fi film on netflix, while they paint their nails. After a quick demonstration Dave gets the hang of it, and they sit quietly chatting.  
"Oh my god." Dave snorts, and Marzia looks up at him questioningly. "These names." He explains. "Midnight romance? Lovers kiss? Sunbeam glitter?" He laughs. He'd decided on red and black nails, with gold glitter on the black ones. Marzia checks hers, which are purple and baby pink.  
"Lustful gaze." She wriggles her eyebrows and Dave cackles. "Oh no- pearlescent blush. It's baby pink!" They collapse in unjustified hysterics, going through her nail varnishes and cracking themselves up, trying to guess colours based on names and making a game out of it.

Once their nails are done Marzia proposes Dave tries to do her makeup. In his defence - he really does try. However her eyeshadow is up to her eyebrows, which vary in shape, size and thickness, her eyeliner is very squint and there's a severe lack of blending everywhere. She puts on her own lashes, neither of them trusting Dave with glue that close to her eyes.

What surprises both of them is how well he does her lips.   
"They're- really good. How did you know how to do that?" He shrugs.  
"No clue. Never done it before." He smiles, proud of himself.  
"You should wear some!" She grins, but Dave looks grossed out. "Aw come on, you can have long hair and paint your nails but your fragile masculinity can't handle a bit of lippie?" She pouts and Dave thinks it over before sighing.  
"Fine. What've you got?" She squeals and gives him a reddish purple shade. He puts it on carefully, then stares at his reflection. He feels like a different person. The man in the mirror is confident, he hasn't been through all the pain he has. He half loves it, half hates it. He leaves it on though - he feels pretty, and Marzia likes it too.

Even later, around 1 or 2 AM Felix is lying on his stomach on the floor beside Dave, Marzia braiding his long hair, being careful not to hurt him. This time they're watching the frozen movies, both boys fully immersed in it, uncomfortably so. However Marzia is lost in thought, and Dave's hair. 

She thinks a lot about Dave. She's so glad he's here, distracted and having fun, rather than in his flat, stuck in thoughts of his lost family and boyfriend's absence.  
'He's so strong as well.' She thinks. 'He is brave enough to call when he is struggling. He was abused twice, lost his chance for a family, and has serious depression. Yet still, he carries on and acts like he's okay. He's only 32 - still far too young for all the weight on his shoulders. I want to help him as much as I can.' She vows to herself that she will be there for Dave.

She finishes his hair, quickly plaiting her own so it will be wavy tomorrow, then sits between the boys. Felix throws his arm around her, while Dave smiles awkwardly and hugs the pillow he brought (which smells of Joel.)

When said Swedish boyfriend calls him after finally escaping his parents, Dave takes his pillow and phone into the hall.   
"Hey babe!" Joel's face fills the screen.  
"Hello hon." He smiles shyly.  
"Woah! Your lips look nice." Dave opens his mouth to thank him but Joel continues. "Would look nicer wrapped around my-"  
"Shh!" Dave turns red. "Felix and Marzia are literally just through that door!" He hears their muffled giggles and scowls.  
"Oops. Sorry." He grins, definitely not sorry. Seeing Dave flustered is one of his favourite things. "Home get too much for you?" He says softly.  
"Yeah. Too quiet, too many memories and not enough distractions." He smiles, looking tired. "How're the parents?"  
"They're good, yeah. Up to usual old people stuff." He talks about his few days, and Dave talks about his sleepover.  
"Your hair looks lovely by the way. Marzia?" He nods.  
"Thank you." Dave cheeks turn light pink.  
"No problem baby. I miss you."  
"Miss you too. I love you Joel."   
"I love you too." They chat a little more before they decide to go to sleep.

Dave settles on the bed, Marzia and Felix tangled around him watching Frozen 2. Despite being the tallest and oldest there, Dave feels like a child sleeping with his parents because he had a nightmare. He falls asleep, missing Joel, but still happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kinda a filler chapter/ an establishing time chapter/ an excuse to write more Marzia!
> 
> As you can tell its early April, Joel is just turning 32, yeah.
> 
> Also please let me know if there's anything/anyone you want int the story! I'm thinking of adding Jaiden, James and Hannah, so if there's anyone else let me know!


	10. Flashbacks, Family And Becoming Friends With The Floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: WE TALK ABOUT MISCARRIAGES AND ABUSE 
> 
> i cant put things in italics or bold on here so im sorry if this triggers you may have to stop reading. probably for the best as i may go deeper into these subjects in other chapters
> 
> i just wanted some backstory as to why dave does some things <3 sorry my babies

The next day Dave and Marzia let down their hair. Dave's hair is very wavy, the kind of curls people will spend hours trying to achieve. Yet despite having superstar hair Dave hates it. He's dizzy, tired, sick and misses Joel.

He smiles and thanks the couple for having him, before quickly packing up his things and driving home.

When he gets there and feels no better he decides to have a shower, hoping it'll calm him. But even if it doesn't, at least it'll get rid of the god awful curls, and the remainder of the lipstick smudged across his face.

Looking at his hands, face and hair he's reminded again of the two things he cannot change about himself - his sexuality and his biology.

From a young age he was told by his peers that being gay is disgusting, and people with the carrier gene are freaks. Faggots, not real men, disgusting, worthless.

As he grew up he learned that this isn't true, but their torments still haunt him.

Dave doesn't always feel human. He can relate more to animals - far beneath humans - or a science experiment.

He remembers his first serious boyfriend and his disgusting 'experiment.' At age just 25, things just kicking off with You And What Army, Dave went out drinking to celebrate winning the competition his band had entered. He went home with the guy, drunk, and stuff happened.

2 months later he found out he was pregnant.

Young and scared he ran to his boyfriend, knowing he couldn't have a child but fear consumed him whenever he dialled to book an abortion. Yet the comfort he craved never came.

The boy spat on him and called him a freak. Dave flinched away, as the boy began to hit him as usual, forcing him to the ground. He explained that in the name of 'science' he was going to see how many kicks it took for him to miscarry, and Dave had to count. He protested and tried to run, to no avail.

36 kicks.

A few days later he turns up shaking and anxiety ridden on his parents doorstep, with all of his things and a request to move back in.

The memory plays over in his head as he breaks down in the shower. The only people he'd ever told about that day were therapists - no one close to him knew.

It was that day he'd vowed to never get pregnant again, and if he did to not tell the father.

When Dave finally calms himself and gets out of the shower he feels even worse. Realizing he hasn't eaten since last night he microwaves some food. He has about 3 mouthfuls of instant noodles, before his stomach turns and he runs to the bathroom. He throws up everything he'd eaten yesterday, and once he stops gagging Dave brushes his teeth, grabs food, blankets and his phone and laptop, then resigns himself to a day of being sick.

He spends most of his day nibbling on something, throwing it up, drinking lots of water and falling asleep. He puts Rick And Morty on, but sleeps through almost an entire season.

When Joel calls that night Dave is asleep on their bathroom floor. He answers, yawning and rubbing his eyes like a child.

"Hey baby- oh sorry, did I wake you?" Joel frowns.

"It's fine." Dave yawns. "I've been on and off sleeping all day. How're you?"

"It's a bit weird to sleep on the bathroom floor, you feeling okay?" He ignores Dave's question and looks at him with a mix of an accusing glare and a worried stare. Dave debates lying or not.

"I've not been too well today, but don't worry. I'm fine, just a stomach bug." He smiles, trying to keep up his 'I'm fine' pretence.

"I don't believe you… If it gets worse, or anything happens tell me straight away. Okay? If not, just hold on. I'll be home in a few days and I'll look after you, okay?"

"Yes mom." Dave teases and Joel rolls his eyes. He starts to talk about his family.

"It's been great seeing my nephew again. He's so big, last time I saw him he couldn't even walk and now he's going to school!"

"Crazy how fast they grow up isn't it?" Dave smiles and he looks very soft, but also like he has a mother's wisdom.

"Seriously. When we have kids I'm never going to want them to grow. If they're small I can keep them safe." Dave laughs, and it's a very gentle sound.

"You can't keep them small and safe forever. One day they have to grow up, go to school, uni, get jobs, live their lives. Besides, who'll keep them safe when we're no longer there?"

"Yeah, I know. I just wish they didn't have to, y'know? The real world sucks, but that small they don't know that." Joel pouts. "Oh- can I tell my parents we're trying for a baby? Because I want to ask them some stuff, but I wasn't sure if you wanted them to know."

"Joel, they're your parents. Of course they can know. Just- don't tell them about the other stuff please." Joel nods.

"Cool. And don't worry I wasn't going to. They don't need to know about that."

"Don't need to know about what oh brother of mine?" Fred (IDK I JUST CHOSE A NAME) asks from off camera.

"The fuck did you come from? And no, Mamma and Pappa don't need to hear about Dave and mines exotic intense sex life." Joel fires off and Dave chokes on the water he'd just sipped, causing him to gag and throw up again. Joel and his brother both immediately look at him in worry.

"You okay baby?" Joel asks, concerned tones seeping into his voice.

"Yeah. Ugh. Gross."

"Aww- just hang on I'll be home in a few days and I'll look after you like I should."

"Thanks darling." He smiles but it's weak.

"Stomach bug, food poisoning or morning sickness got you down bro?" There's a very uncomfortable silence. "Oh. OH. You're pregnant? Congrats bro. Joel, the fuck are you doing here, go look after your boyfriend. "

"No - I'm not pregnant." Dave laughs, feeling awkward.

"No, no. We're not that lucky. " Joel is also chuckling and rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness.

"Oh, uh, sorry Dave." He mumbles and it's awkward from all parties. Fred coughs, though it's clearly fake. "Anyway um, I'm gonna go." He rushes out and Dave and Joel start laughing even harder for no reason, before collecting themselves.

Dave gets a wistful, wonderous look on his face.

"You don't think I could be-?" He looks scared but excited and hopeful, and Joel doesn't want to crush him.

"Well," he ponders his words. "It's a possibility, however let's wait a few days to rule out food poisoning and stuff first. That way we won't have a replay of last week, okay? Because I love you and don't want you to die in a bathroom cause that's lame." Dave pouts but starts laughing.

"Thank god. We've not been mean to each other in ages, I thought I'd have to love you constantly and I don't know how long I could go without a snarky comment." Joel snorts a little.

"Insult me, I don't care. But promise me - no tests until I get home."

"Sure." Dave smiles, it should be an easy promise to keep. 4 days, he just has to hold on 4 days…

The next day Joel gets up and eats with his family like usual, but when they start discussing plans for the day, he chimes in.

"Can we stay home today?" He says, unusually shy. "There's some stuff I want to talk to you about." Both of his parents turn to him in surprise.

"Of course we can! Thought you'd be too bored just sitting around and talking with your old parents." His Pappa laughs, but looks very happy.

"Yeah, you're up to something…" His Mamma squints across the table at him. He squirms, feeling her eyes analyse every one of his cells. "You're too happy to have broken up with Dave, but you're scared to tell us…"

"How-?"

"Shh!" She interrupts, then continues in a whisper. "Joel Gustaf Berghult, did you get engaged and not tell us?" Fred bursts out laughing, while Joel sits there with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

"Uh, no?" He says, trying to sound patronizing, but it just sounded uncertain.

"Oh my goodness! Congratulations!" His Pappa joins in.

"Ooh I want to see pictures, the ring! The ring, I need to see the ring!"

"Mamma."

"Oh, where will you have the wedding? Here in Sweden or back in England? Either way a family has to fly out."

"Moder!" He shouts, fed up.

"What?"

"I'm not engaged to Dave! That's not what we need to talk about!"

"I don't believe you - you just want to stop us talking about it because you're embarrassed." She teases.

"No, I'm serious. Dave and I are not engaged, we are not getting married anytime soon. And if we were I would have told you immediately."

"Then prove it."

"What?"

"Prove it, call Dave right now and ask him."

"Mamma, what?"

"Do as your Moder says kiddo." His Pappa chimes in.

"What? I'm not a kiddo, I'm turning 32 tomorrow!"

"You're still my baby boy. Just do it, because I think you're telling fibs."

"If I do it will you stop babying me?" They nod. "Fine." He calls and waits for Dave to answer, putting it on loudspeaker.

"Hey Joel, what the fuck?"

"I'm sorry baby. Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah. What do you want?" He groans, tiredness evident in his sleep thick voice.

"Did we get engaged and I just forgot about it?" There's a weird pause.

"Is this a prank? No, we didn't, you weirdo."

'See?' He mouths at his parents.

"Oh, because my Mamma was fully convinced we did. Anyway- do you want to tell them the actual thing we need to talk about?"

"The baby thing?"

"Yeah, the baby thing." He grins at his Mamma sheepishly.

"Baby thing? You're adopting?" She shouts smiling.

"Not exactly. Dave's a carrier."

"I thought they were lies told by the government." His Pappa frowns.

"Oh, you caught me! Yep, I'm a big gay government lie!" Dave laughs. "Nah, we're real. Just rare."

"Wait-" The cogs turn in Mamma Berghults mind. "Dave, you're pregnant?"

"No, he's not yet. We're in the trying phase." He winks, and his Pappa laughs and high fives him, while his mother looks on in disappointment.

"For goodness sakes you two. " Dave yawns and she redirects her attention. "Oh, sorry Dave. Go back to sleep, healthy sleep cycles increase chances of conception!" She smiles but Joel recoils.

"Ew. See you Dave, love you."

"Love you too." They hang up and Joel turns to his parents.

"Help."

After making some coffee and settling in the living room, Joel begins to ask questions.

"Um, is pregnancy going to be hard for Dave? What can I do to help? What should I look out for? Can-"

"Woah, slow down! Pregnancy hmm…" His Pappa thinks. Mamma Berghult rolls her eyes.

"Pregnancy isn't easy at best - I suppose it'll be even worse for Dave as his body isn't necessarily built to carry children. I expect his hips may have to shift a bit, that'll be painful. If you want to help offset that pain then massage his lower back and hips. If he can get to the bath it might be better to do it there." She thinks back to her pregnancies. "Morning sickness isn't fun, should clear up after a few weeks though. Ankles swelling, rub his feet, let him rest."

"Oh, I have 2 - seeing weight gain for the best time can be hard, and you will spend waaaayyyyyyy too much on cravings." He smiles.

"Thanks Pappa." Joel grins, every bit his father's son.

"The best way to help Dave is by being there for him - don't smother him though. If you see him struggling by all means help him, but if he appears to be coping leave him to it. Hormones are horrible and they can make us feel kind of like you think we're incapable and then we'll just get angry."

"If you're unsure if he's struggling or not don't ask directly or worriedly. Be casual. Say something like 'you got that?' Or 'you okay?'" Joel nods earnestly, trying to soak in all this information. "What about conception?"

"Oh Joel. Let me tell you a story about the birds and the bees…"

"Mamma!" He turns instantly red. "You know what I meant."

"Yes, hmm, regular unprotected sex." Joel glares at her, and she laughs. "Okay, okay. Be healthy, have a good diet, - this is both of you by the way - regular exercise, healthy weight. You're both vegan so you might need some supplements - speaking of you need to get Dave some folic acid."

"What's that for?"

"A condition in the spinal cord of the baby. It's really bad and develops before you even know you're pregnant." Joel frowns.

"What about other birth defects and diseases?"

"Those you can research yourself. Don't scare yourself though, things like colic or jaundice are common and easily curable no matter how bad or weird they sound." He nods.

They continue talking about babies, and then specifically Joel as a baby, and round to Joel's future babies. From there they get to the topic of Dave.

"He's doing okay I guess, he's sick at the minute and last week he had a panic attack because he took a negative test and thought he might not be able to get pregnant. I didn't want to leave him honestly." They nod in pity.

"Poor dear, must be hard on him. Being broody I mean." Joel hums in agreement, staring at the mug in his hands.

"I just want him to be happy. I'm scared that if he doesn't get pregnant he'll blame himself." His parents exchange looks and cuddle their son.

"Now darling, if he doesn't then it's not Dave's fault, but remember it's not yours either Joelly."

"I know." He sighs. "But he means the world to me. If something will make him happy I want to give it to him. If I can't then it makes me sad too, y'know?"

"Of course. But you sometimes need to do things for you, not Dave."

"I know Pappa. I do."


	11. Origin Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU STOP READING
> 
> ALSO HOSPITALISATION.

The next day Dave’s brain is eating him alive. Not only is he stuck on the floor ill, but he is now wondering if he shouldn't be mad,as it may be a sign there's a life growing inside him. The child he’s been waiting for, Joel’s and his perfect family’s beginnings.

He stays inside his confused but happy baby bubble, poking his stomach, giggling and online shopping for nursery things. then the other thoughts come in.

‘You can’t be pregnant, you lost that privilege when you killed your baby.’

‘You don’t even know if you’re pregnant, why are you acting like you do?’

‘What if you’re not pregnant and Joel will get mad at you for getting his hopes up?’

‘What if you can't get pregnant again?’

‘You are worthless, a faggot, a freak.’ 

‘Joel doesn’t love you, he just uses you for sex and children.’

‘Joel will leave you if you’re not pregnant.’

The thoughts play intrusively loud in Dave’s head. After about four hours he gives in. Wrapping himself up - still unwell- he goes to his chemist and buys a test.

He stares at it for an hour, not wanting to break his promise to Joel but desperate to know. Eventually he gives in and takes it.

Five minutes later he’s staring yet again at a negative test. This time there's no panic attack, no dramatic reaction. Just a soul-crushing heartbreaking emptiness.

Dave feels numb.

He falls back down into the nest he’s made on the floor, pulling the duvet over him. All of the joy he’d felt just a few hours ago has instantly evaporated. He’s sure his face is blank but inside he’s crumbling, breaking apart piece by piece.

His negative thoughts return, louder and more harsh than ever. They become too much for him and Dave starts to rummage through the medicine cabinet. His phone buzzes but he doesn’t even notice. He sees the replacement blade for his and Joel’s razors and considers, before pushing the thought away.  
‘No. You promised Joel.’

(creds to @DaisyClaw for the idea, check out her fic ‘Help Me’!!)

About four years ago, when he’d recently got out of his second abusive relationship something happened. His parents went on holiday, leaving him alone in the house for two weeks. He made Hannah take Quistis, not trusting himself to look after her, but not wanting to ruin his parents' break.  
“Dave,” Hannah asked. “If you can't look after your cat, how on earth will you be able to look after yourself?” he could hear the concern in her voice.  
“Don’t worry! I’ll be in touch with you, and friends, I'll be fine!” He said, overly cheery.  
“Okay…” She said, but she didn't believe him.

The first day he was fine.  
The second day was harder and he only managed basic everyday things.  
Day three he could only just get out of bed, only to get food and go back.  
Day four was where it all went wrong.

Since he was freshly out of a toxic relationship his self-worth was highly highly messed up. He almost craved the pain, partly as a distraction from the mental pain, and partly because he felt he deserved it.

He crawled out of bed and did something he hadn't done since he was fifteen.

Dave took a razor blade and pressed it against his skin.

There was so much adrenaline and pain from one shallow cut he stumbled a little, but he craved more.

Another thin cut, a little longer this time. A new rush of pain and exhilaration, pushed his thoughts back. He watched in fascination as blood came to the surface, like little ruby droplets, before falling down his arm.

It helped. It pushed away his thoughts - but only for a short time.

That morning there were eight cuts. At night, nineteen. The next morning? Twenty eight.

Each time Dave kept his head on, cleaning the wounds, cleaning the blade, bandaging them up.

The next morning he cut a little too far. He realised, managed to put the blade down, put a towel on it and hit call on a random contact before losing consciousness.

The contact was Hannah, who immediately panicked. She called some of Dave’s closest friends while in her car, driving the half hour to where Dave was laying.

Joel, blissfully unaware but scared nonetheless was mercifully just 5 minutes away. He’d noticed his friend's absence and tried to contact him, to no avail. He knew about his ex, depression, and parents. All of this pulled together worried him immensely and he’d woken extra early so he could be at Dave’s by lunch.

And thank god he did.

When he knocked to no answer he looked around for the spare key and let himself in.  
“Dave?” he called, looking around. “Dave?” He came to the bathroom , the door slightly ajar. He carefully pushed it open and gasped at the scene in front of him.

There was blood everywhere, on every surface, some drying but most fresh. The blade lay on the side of the sink, also covered in blood. He gagged, the sight, the smell, it made him feel sick. There were bandages, towels and other first aid all over the floor, and there, lay against the bathtub, was Dave.

He was frightfully pale, the white bathroom lights washing him out. A towel was being pressed against his forearm by his limp hand, red seeping through.

Joel inhaled sharply and his eyes widened.  
“No no nonono - Dave, Dave, please wake up, oh god. God, Dave, no, please, Dave-” he began to sob, falling beside the older man. He pulled out his phone and dialed 999, grabbing Dave’s hand in panic.   
“Ambulance, ambulance. I need an ambulance.” He gasped shakily. “There's been an incident, uh, I think he cut himself too deep self harming. I’m not sure, he’s unconscious, no. No, I'm just a guest- oh, oh, okay uh-” He scrambled, removing the towel to fold it and replace it with more pressure. He sobbed harder seeing his best friends arm in tatters.  
“Please hurry.” He whispered hoarsely, kissing Dave's knuckles reassuringly, despite him being unconscious. His breathing and pulse were steady though, which came as a relief to Joel.

Carefully, trying to stay calm, Joel began to wet a cloth, then gently clean Dave’s wounds, and dabbed away any other blood spots with it. He folded the towel so a cleaner side was pressed onto Dave’s still bleeding arm. He remembers to keep pressure on it, to stop the bleeding. With one hand on Dave’s arm he began scrubbing blood off the floor before it dried and became harder to shift. That was his excuse at least. In reality he needed a distraction so he didn't break down over his best friend's broken body.

When the paramedics came it was all a blur for Joel, until hours later. Dave had stitches put in one or two of the cuts, and it wasn't as bad as it could've been. He had been put on suicide watch though, and therefore wasn't able to leave. Hannah had come round but Joel couldn't remember much of it.

He was sitting beside Dave's hospital bed, crying. He was holding Dave's good hand, occasionally kissing his knuckles. He was still asleep, apparently he'd woken up when they sewed him up and set up his blood transfusion, but Joel wasn't allowed in.  
"'M sorry Dave." He whispered for the millionth time, kissing his hand gently. "I should've come earlier, so this didn't happen. I've failed you Dave, I'm so sorry." His sobs were heavy and pain-filled.   
"Hey, no." Dave's hoarse voice rasped. He cupped Joel's face in his palm, and cleared his throat. "You did amazing. I might not be alive if it wasn't for you." Joel jumped up in shock at hearing Dave's voice. In a moment of pure ecstasy Joel did something he'd never usually.

He grabbed Dave's face and kissed him.

He pulled away quickly, Dave as still as a statue.  
"Oh God, Dave, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do that. I- God. I was just happy and-"  
"Joel, be quiet." He shut up as if Dave had spelled him to do so. "Do you love me?" Joel nodded, and Dave turned very red. "O-oh. Um, I need some time, you know I just got out of a relationship."  
"Yeah, I- I know. I get it. Friends?"  
"Friends." They hugged, Joel being extra cautious of Dave, especially his arms.

A few days later they had left the hospital, Joel having been given strict orders and how to watch and look after Dave. When they got home Dave immediately threw himself down on the sofa.  
"Stay here Dave, I've got to take all of your blades, and I'm going to hide them. Okay?"  
"Joel, I told you I'm not going to do it again. Don't you trust me?" Dave looked up at Joel so sadly and with such an earnest heartbroken expression that Joel couldn't help but to hug him.  
"Oh- no. Dave I know you won't. It's just an extra precaution because I love you too much to see you like that ever again." He stroked his hair softly.  
"Okay." Dave mumbled quietly.

Another two days passed uneventfully. Then, as they sat watching anime, Dave said something that broke Joel's heart.  
"Am I fucked up?"   
"Dave- no, of course not. Why would you think that?" He said sadly.  
"Well, cause I'm depressed, ugly, my heads all messed up because of past lovers, there's stuff about my body I don't want to talk about, I'm a boy with long hair and now I have loads of gross ugly cuts that'll probably scar." He looked at his hands in his lap.  
"Dave-" Joel moved closer and pulled him into his chest. "You have some very understandable mental health issues because of two disgusting mens actions. That doesn't make you fucked up, that makes you human. And neither you or your scars are ugly. Your hair is gorgeous, no matter what people say, it makes you unique. May I?” Joel carefully took Dave's arm and unwrapped his dirty bandages when he nodded. He began kissing every healing cut. “These don’t seem beautiful now, as they’re showing you feel you need to hurt yourself. In a few months though they’ll be battle scars, showing you’re stronger than your brain. Okay?” Dave teared up and mumbled something before suddenly kissing Joel. After getting over the initial shock he kissed back carefully.  
“This isn’t- you’re different from the other boys but- I mean, my experience with guys… Oh, fuck, I don’t know how to say- this isn’t an ‘I love you,’ its an ‘I like you more than a friend but I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship with a guy.’” He gushed, stumbling over his words.  
“Shh, okay. Do you want to try, and learn how?” Dave nodded. “Okay. Tell me if anything I ever do is too much.”  
“What about me? What are my rules, what can’t I do?”   
“Nothing baby- is it okay if I call you baby?” He nodded again. “I’ll let you know if anything is too far.”  
“So can I cuddle you?”  
“Of course, all the time.” Joel sweeped Dave’s legs round, and pulled him into his lap. Dave blushed and squealed, wrapping his arms around Joel. He nuzzled into his neck, and they continued watching the anime.

After about 20 minutes Dave got up off Joel’s knee.  
“Where are you going?” He asked curiously.  
“Oh, I was just going to sit back over here so you can be comfortable again.”  
“What makes you think I’m uncomfortable? I’m fine.”  
“Because I'm heavy and it can’t be comfortable having a fat person like me on your knee.” Dave frowned.  
“No, Dave, who told you you’re fat?” Joel’s face hardened. “Was it him?” Dave nodded, and looked at his feet nervously. “Baby, you’re not fat. I’m much heavier than you, and I’m far shorter. You’re beautiful.now, do you want to sit back on my knee?” Dave nodded shyly. “C’mere then.”  
“You sure?” He looked up like a scared toddler.  
“Of course.” Dave clambered into his lap, filling Joel’s mouth with hair. “I’ve thought of two rules, okay? Unless I specifically say no, stop, move, whatever, just keep going. I’m cool with it, and uh. If you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself, talk to me, okay? I never want you to have to do that again.” Dave cupped Joel’s chin in his hand carefully and tilted his head down, so they were eye to eye.  
“I promise I’ll never self-harm again.” He swore.  
“Good.” Joel said, and closed the small gap between them, capturing Dave’s lips in a sweet kiss. He practically melted against the Swedish boy, eyes fluttered shut, hands wrapped around his back and neck. He was putty in his hands. Joel tangled one hand in Dave’s messy hair and rested the other on the small of his back. He giggled against the older boy's lips. Dave pulled away looking hurt and confused.  
“Why did you laugh?”  
“I just- you have no idea how long I have wanted to do that. I’m kind of in shock.” Joel grinned and pecked Dave’s lips repeatedly until he smiled. “Y’know, we’ve not said it officially yet.”  
“Said what?”  
“David Paul Brown,” he began.  
“Don’t full name me, Joel Gustaf Berghult.” Dave interrupted. Joel rolled his eyes and continued.  
“Will you be my terrible boyfriend?”  
“Only if you’ll be mine.” They grinned, kissing one another softly again.

Dave shakes the memories from his head, pushes the pack of blades back and grabs the sleeping pills. He takes a few and curls up on the floor, waiting for them to kick in.


	12. Accidents And Anime

Dave loses all concept of time. The only time he’s not asleep he’s just lay on the floor feeling empty and wrong. Has it been minutes? Hours? Days? He doesn't know. He’s only moved to drink, use the toilet and take more sleeping pills so he doesn’t have to address his thoughts and feelings. On his dead phone are over 100 worried texts, and 40 missed calls. On his locked door are loud panicked knocks.Dave’s completely unaware, sleeping through sadly, negative test clasped in his hand like a child with their favourite toy.

“Dave? Dave?” Joel enters their flat in a panic, Felix close behind him with Marzia bringing up the rear. Dave opens his eyes briefly, before settling down again.  
‘You’re hearing things. It's too early for Joel to be home.’ He thinks.

Joel, Marzia and Felix are rushing around the flat, trying to find the disappeared boyfriend. Joel’s heart drops as he approaches the bathroom door. He thinks back to other times he's found the long haired boy on the bathroom floor - having a panic attack, throwing up while drunk, and bleeding out. He shakes away these thoughts and pushes open the door.

Dave’s lay there, days old bowls and cups, a large bottle or water and his dead phone spread around him. He’s under Joel’s blankets and duvet, looking very small, unwell and sad. His hair is matted and greasy, and he needs to shower.

Tears spring into Joel’s eyes. Dave looks like he did when he was in the middle of a depressive episode.

“Dave-” Joel chokes out, and goes to move closer to his broken boyfriend. He’s blocked by Marzia. She stares at him coldly, then slaps him hard across the face. He stumbles back, holding his cheek where a red mark is already appearing.   
“Ow! What the fuck Marzia?” Felix watches fearfully for Joel, as he sees Marzia about to explode into a storm of rage.  
“What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK. I’LL TELL YOU THE FUCK. You KNEW Dave was in a delicate place right now. But still you LEFT. You didn’t leave a way for anyone to help him while you were gone, you know how antisocial he becomes. NOW LOOK at your bella fidanzato - I mean beautiful boyfriend - broken on the floor. Look at him!” She erupts angrily, slowing down towards the end, clearly having to think about her English so as to not scream in Italian. Joel understands, knowing how often he’s yelled in Swedish before realising no one can understand. He hangs his head.  
“I know Marzia. I’m terrible, and I’ll learn from my mistakes. But I need to make sure he’s okay now I’m here.” She huffs.  
“This isn’t over. We will be talking later.”  
“Please don’t kill my boyfriend Marzy.” Dave says hoarsely. They both look over. Felix is sat with Dave, giving him a hug.  
“Oh- oh petal, you’re awake. Oh sweetheart.” Joel falls beside him, and scrambles across the floor to hug his boyfriend. “Why were you on the floor baby?”  
“Was sick, remember?” Dave says, avoiding all eye contact and pushing his arm further beneath the blanket. Joel notices and panics.  
“Babe, why are you hiding your arm?” He asks shakily.  
“No reason!” Dave’s voice raises an octave higher than usual.  
“Dave, show me your arm.” He says, breath coming in irregular bursts.  
“No, Joel. I’ve not-”  
“Show me your arms!” Joel’s becoming hysterical, so Dave drops the test beneath the blanket and gives his arms to his panicked boyfriend. Upon seeing no new cuts Joel calms slightly, taking Dave’s left arm and begins kissing all of the pale scars that litter his smooth skin.  
“See? I keep my promises.” Dave smiles weakly.  
“How long?” he asks between kisses.  
“Clean? About four years now darling.don’t worry. I will never do it again.” Dave strokes Joel’s hair softly with his free hand. Felix catches Marzia’s eyes, looking shocked and upset. She just smiles sadly. She already knew the story of how Dave and Joel got together. Marzia nods towards the blanket on the floor.  
‘Check underneath.’ She mouths, hoping to distract him and get rid of his kicked puppy expression. She begins to collect all the dishes to take downstairs, while Felix moves and folds the blanket.   
“Felic no-” Dave moves, trying to escape Joel’s grip but it's too late.

All four sets of eyes fall on the small white and blue stick on the floor.

Everything seems to happen at once. Dave bursts into tears, ripping himself from Joel’s grasp and sprinting out and down the stairs. Marzia and Joel both go to run after him, slamming into one another and falling. There's a sickening crunch from Marzia’s wrist and Joel tumbles down the stairs when he tries to get up, knocking Dave down with him. Felix jumps up to catch everything that's falling from the sink after being knocked by his wife and friend. He catches the things - including open razors.

No one came out unscathed. Everyone screamed.

When hitting the bottom of the stairs the first thing Joel registers is blood. The first thing Joel registers is blood. The first thing Dave does is pain. Upstairs Marzia is screaming, her wrist in agony. She's yelling what is assumed to be some colourful words in Italian. Felix has three thoughts: ‘that was stupid.’ At least they didn’t hit Marzia.’ ‘Ow!’

When they manage to all get sat in the bathroom Joel takes control.  
“Felix, take that dye towel and press it to Dave’s head, and your palms. By putting pressure on his cuts you'll put pressure on yours.” Felix does, pressing it against the heavily bleeding cut on Dave’s forehead. Joel digs around in their first aid kit looking for a sling bandage. Cursing when he finds nothing he steals one of Dave’s bandanas and makes one. It takes a few tries to get right, Marzia wincing and Joel apologising profusely anytime anything was moved. Eventually he gets it right. He turns to Dave next.  
“Keep pressure on that Felix.” Joel warns. He opens some antiseptic wipes and begins to clean Dave's cut.  
“God you’re such a Dad.” Dave whispers, and Joel smiles softly.  
“That's bleeding an awful lot - shouldn’t we take him to hospital?"  
“Nah.” Joel brushes away Felix’s concern. “Head wounds always bleed more. It’s just a little bump, not deep at all. Should just need a plaster, it just looks big because of all the blood." He begins to apply plasters to Dave's cuts. "You should get Marzia's wrist checked out though. It could be broken. Give me your hands." He cleans Felix's cuts, bandaging them carefully. He doesn't bother on his own, knowing they're just small grazes.  
"Okay. Let's go Marzy." They leave and Joel frowns at Dave.  
"You need a shower and a chat baby. Come on." Dave brushes his teeth while Joel puts all of the dishes in the dishwasher and moves all the blankets. He also quickly puts Dave's laptop and phone on charge. When he comes back Dave's staring blankly. Joel kisses his jaw softly.  
"Come on. Let's get in the shower baby." When Dave makes no indication of moving Joel begins to strip him.   
"Please don't leave me." He looks up into Dave's sad blue eyes.  
"Never." 

They get into the shower together, and Joel immediately begins washing Dave's hair.  
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks with a soft voice, lathering shampoo into the long hair.  
"I don't know." He closes his eyes, relishing in the feeling of his boyfriends hands in his hair. "I guess- I was really happy I could be pregnant, then my thoughts kicked in and I wanted to take a test but it just made them worse. I- I thought about cutting. I didn't, I just took some sleeping pills. I'm sorry, I should've called. I didn't want you to be angry…" Dave sobs and Joel spins him around.  
"Hey hey, I'll never really be angry at you. Promise." Dave cries into Joel's chest, water hitting the naked boys and making the whole scene sadder. "Baby, it's okay. I'm here now, you don't need to hurt alone. I love you." He drops his head onto Dave's shoulder and holds him close. "I'm so sorry, if I hadn't left this would've never happened. I've failed you."   
"S-stop blaming yourself for m-my mistakes." Dave sobs. "You- you always have. It's n-not your fault!" He slaps Joel's chest in frustration.  
"Sorry baby." He kisses his head. "Let's get you clean and then we can go watch something in bed." Dave nods and Joel continues washing his hair. When he's done, Dave washes Joels, massaging his scalp the way he likes. He looks like he's in pure ecstasy. They quickly wash each other's bodies and dry off, put on pyjamas and get into bed.

Joel once again puts on some anime, and cuddles in with his boyfriend. Dave is half lay on Joel - one leg hooked over his hips and his head and arm resting on his chest. He's not got his glasses on, so he's not really watching the show, just enjoying being cuddled by his Swedish boyfriend.

After about half an hour, Joel reaches around, scoops Dave up and moves him so he's lying between his legs. Dave hums happily, clearly falling asleep in his warm embrace.  
"You comfy there?" Joel giggles.  
"Hmmmm~" He smiles, burying his head in Joel's chest. Joel laughs, Dave's acting like a small child out of exhaustion. He's bunching up Joel's shirt in loose fists and smiling as he hides in his chest.

Joel begins to daydream about when he and Dave have children. Will they be a boy or a girl? Who will they look more like? He hopes they get Dave's genes, where Joel feels less than perfect Dave is beautiful. He thinks about small babies, Dave exhausted and sleepless nights. He thinks about decorating Jonas' old room as a nursery, in cute greens and blues, with animals and landscapes. He pictures sitting in a rocking chair, a chubby drooling and falling asleep on his chest, his shirt balled in their tiny fists while he sings quiet lullabies to them. Joel sees sitting at dinner, him making a dumb joke, and Dave laughing, and then the baby laughing, copying their mom. His brain goes back in time, seeing Dave glowing and gorgeous, a small bump forming between his hips.

"Soon." Joel whispers, running his hands through his asleep boyfriends hair. The single word is filled with love.


	13. The Birds And The Bees.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sex talk warninggggggg

Two months pass, and Dave just becomes sadder. Joel does too - he realises he's damaging his health with stress and stops uploading daily videos. He talks to Felix about the problems they share, like being drained from daily videos and trying to get their partners pregnant, and also said partners spending more time with each other than their respective jealous Swede. He speaks to his best friend about his other issues though - and no, while Dave is one of his best friends he can't speak to Dave about his love issues. So of course he talks to Jonas.

They meet up and go out to get junk food and sit in a park like some lame sad teenagers.   
"He's becoming obsessed. It seems to be all he thinks about. I mean- it's keeping him out of a depressive slump, but I’m scared if he doesn’t get pregnant he’ll fall into a worse one. I don’t know what to do.” Jonas looks at Joel thoughtfully.  
“You’re really stressed about this, huh. Y’know that won’t be helping.”  
“I know, I know. But when you’re told stress is bad for the thing you’re stressed about it makes you more stressed.”  
“I can see that being a problem. In what way is he obsessed, let's see if you can help stop it being his only fixation.” Jonas smiles kindly.  
“I don’t know. It's like everything he does or says is ‘for the baby.’ I ask him what he’s cooking - yeah, he's started cooking - and he’ll be like ‘oh, vegan lasagne. Full of good things for pregnancy!’ ‘What are you reading?’ ‘Research on babies.’ I’ll make a move on him and he’s all like ‘oh yes, baby, baby baby!’ He can’t do anything without making it about the baby! I’m fed up of sex because its so baby-centred for Dave! He doesn’t even care about getting off, just that I cum in him. I’m sick of it!” he snaps his mcflurry spoon (God I miss Maccies) in frustration. Jonas looks disgusted and mildly traumatised.  
“TMI Joel. Gross. I could've done without having to think about you dropping your load in Dave.” Joel sobers up off his rant high and laughs.  
“Damn sorry. That’s gotta be nasty for you.”  
“You don’t even know.” Jonas shudders, with a pained expression. “Well let's get it over with. Sex-”  
“Sorry Jonas, you’re not my type.” Joel giggles immaturely.  
“Shut up. You weren't saying that when you fondled my boobs.” Jonas teases. “What I was trying to say is what do you want from sex and what does Dave want - so you can find a middle ground.” Jonas makes a face that screams 'I'm uncomfortable.' Joel looks at him in pity.  
"You don't want to know."  
"No, I'm your best friend, I'm here for your problems." Joel looks at him in disbelief, then shrugs.   
"Fine. But you signed up for this." He warns. Jonas stays determined and undeterred. "What I want in sex is to make Dave feel good. And get off. But mainly the first. What Dave wants is to be impregnated."  
"What do you mean 'make Dave feel good?'" Jonas regrets the question as soon as it's out of his mouth.  
"I made him cum eight times in one night all in different ways, which I think answers your question." Joel turns rather red.  
"Was that uh, Felix's wedding night by any chance?" Jonas looks disgusted, remembering Joel saying something about how good that night was.  
"No, different night. That was good though. He made me swallow my jizz in a room full of people, so I had to punish him. I tied him up - sorry you really don't need to know." Jonas looks very close to bursting into flames, or being sick.  
"I really don't."   
"I'll stop - do me a favour and don't mention Dave's love for being chained up? He's embarrassed about it."  
"Don't worry, I never want to think about it again. It's given me an idea on the baby love front though."   
"You think I should chain him up until he's not baby obsessed?" Joel says, sipping his milkshake. (Someone bring me McDonald's, I am b e g g i n g y o u.)  
“What the fuck dude, no. My thoughts are Dave likes being chained up, yes?” Joel nods. “And you like chaining him up clearly, from the way you talk about it.”  
“Where's this going, I’m scared.”  
“I can’t believe I’m saying this. Why don't you try tying him up and making him forget about children, and only be able to think about you? But don't - y’know - in him.”  
“Jonas!” Joel exclaims in shock, then looks best friend up and down. “Jesus, you kinky fuck. Might work though…”  
“For the other things, you could cook for him, you keep saying you're gaining weight, go on a slimming diet. And recommend him books and movies to watch. Distract him from baby town. Treat him like a king. Maybe also talk to Felix and Marzia to keep the babynesses away from Dave.” Joel nods.  
“Thank you Jonas. You’re amazing.”  
“I know.” They laugh.

When Jonas goes to Joel and Dave’s a few days ;ater while they’re hanging out Joel gets a shit eating grin on his face.  
“It worked by the way.” Jonas laughs.  
“My ideas are the best.”  
“What worked darling?” Dave asks, looking confused, eyebrows furrowed in a very cute way.  
“Last night baby. That was Jona’s idea, I adapted it a little.” Joel giggles but Dave looks mortified.  
“What did you tell him? Did you tell him about my thing?”  
“Yes, I told him about your chaining up thing.” Joel sighs, and Dave slaps his chest firmly before grinning.  
“Did you tell him about your thing?” He turns to Jonas. “What did he tell you?”  
“Something about making you uh, finish, eight times in one night and a little about wedding night.”  
“You didn't tell him!” Dave laughs.  
“Don’t you dare - do you want a replay of that night?” Joel warns.  
“Mmm kind of…” Dave giggles.  
“Jonas is right there!” Joel hisses, shocked by Daves blatant boldness.  
“And? You told him this shit first.” Jonas coughs.  
“What's Joel’s thing? Stop being gross please.”   
“Joel’s thing-” Dave ducks his attempt to cover his mouth. “-is that he loves being blown in public places!” He giggles and Jonas looks at his best friend with a mix of disbelief and disgust.  
“No… Really?” Joel is more red than the streak in Dave’s hair.  
“Yeah. He made me blow him in the bathrooms at Felix’s wedding. Got him back though - held it in my mouth, then kissed him in the middle of the floor so he had to swallow it.” Dave grins at the memory.  
“I didn’t make you! I said ‘It’s quiet in here’ and you got on your knees.” Joel bites back.  
“Don’t make me sound like a slut! There were implications there.” Jonas watches them fight jokingly, with amusement and distaste.   
“Oh fuck off, you can be such a slut. You're an asshole.” Joel pouts.  
“I am disgusted by the both of you by the way.” Jonas says, looking traumatised.  
“You sweet summer child, stop being so vanilla. Go and have fun!” Dave encourages.  
“I’m not a kinky fuck like you two are.”  
“I wasn’t either - until like two years ago.” Joel laughs.  
“I don’t - just no.”   
“Alright, alright. Subject change - hows you and Bianca?”  
“Good. amazing actually - I’ve been thinking about proposing…” Joel screams.  
“Oh my god! Ohmygod! Oh do you have a ring? Ooh where are you going to do it? How?!” He bounces excitedly.  
“Sweetheart, calm down. I’m sure Jonas will tell us, don’t overwhelm him.” Dave giggles, putting a hand on his boyfriend's chest to calm him.  
“I was actually wondering if you wanted to go ring shopping with me this weekend?” Jonas asks.  
“I can’t, I’m in London all of next week. The week after I will!” Joel grins, happy for his best friend.  
“Congrats. It takes balls to propose.” Dave smiles. “I considered it a few times, but can you imagine being legally tied to Joel? Gross.”  
“I would run away if I was bound to Joel.” Jonas agrees.  
“So would I.” Joel agrees.  
“Babe- you are bound to yourself.” Joel pauses for a minute, processing.  
“Well, guess I’ll pack my bags!” he jumps up, then sits back down. “Agh- I’d better be your best man.” Joel laughs.  
“But of course! Dave can be the flower girl.” Dave laughs.  
“I’ll pass.” He gets up and stretches, Quistis rubbing against his calves so he bends down to scratch her. “I’m making some tea, want anything?”  
“No thanks baby.”  
“I’m fine thanks.”  
“Okie doke. I’m going to do some editing on a couple songs, I’ll see you later.” He kisses Joel softly, hits Jonas in the head when he gags, kisses Quistis’s furry forehead and makes his tea before disappearing. Jonas and Joel chat for a few hours, before he inevitably has to leave.


	14. Sticks and Stone May Break My Bones, But Chains And Whips Excite Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mega smut warning luv

Joel waits for a few minutes after Jonas leaves to make sure he isn't coming back. He then sprints up to their bedroom, where Dave is sitting peacefully making changes to some tracks. He doesn't notice Joel's even come into the room until he jumps on the bed.  
"Thank god he finally left." Joel says, sighing dramatically.  
"I thought you liked when Jonas came over?" Dave's brow furrows confusedly.  
"I do- I just wasn't sure how much longer I could wait to fuck you into the mattress." He laughs, while Dave looks at him dumbstruck.  
"You have no shame at all, you know that?"   
"I know." Joel crawls up the bed to kiss Dave. He pecks him then pulls away and taps his nose.  
"You'll have to wait, Mr Dildo Man, because I'm busy."  
"But babyyyyyyy-" He pouts.  
"Joel." Warning tones seep into Dave's usually soft voice. It sends shivers through Joel, who rarely hears his voice this deep or hard. (That was unintentional-) "I'm working. You wouldn't like it if I came and sat on your face in the middle of a video."   
"I mean…" Joel raises an eyebrow, then huffs knowing Dave's right. He goes back to work calmly, but Joel refuses to give up that easily.

He showers very quickly, and just throws on some baggy grey joggers he wears when lounging about. Dave's focus slips and he finds himself staring at his boyfriend. He watches the water drip from his hair down his tanned chest, the way he bites his lip in concentration. When Dave sees Joel's dick outlined in the grey fabric his eyes widen and he gulps, forcing himself to look at his face. His gaze drops repeatedly, and one time when he looks back up Joel's raising an eyebrow, tongue between his teeth as he smiles.  
"Enjoying the view David?" He smirks. Dave gasps at being caught, immediately staring at his screen, feeling his face blaze. Joel chuckles softly, looking at his own laptop and waiting.

After about fifteen minutes with no progress, Dave shuts his laptop, sits it aside and straddles Joel's lap.  
“Alright.” He sighs. “You win. Make this good or I’ll make you pay me the money I’m losing right now.”  
“Fair enough.” Joel laughs softly, pressing his mouth to Daves. He opens his mouth to let the younger boy to deepen the kiss. “How’d you feel about recreating the pewdiepie wedding night?” Dave shivers at Joel’s whisper, remembering that night. Joel tied him to the expensive hotel bed with their ties, and fucked him until he couldn’t talk, and then washed and cuddled him until he came back to his senses. It was one of his favourite nights, and the thought of recreating that thrills him. He feels his dick twitch in his pants.  
“Oh fuck- yes.” Dave grinds on Joel lightly, who moans down his ear.

Joel lifts Dave under the thighs, and carefully lies him on the bed. He sits up, grabbing the Swedish boy and pulling him down on top of him. They giggle softly together, clumsily kissing as Joel tries to move so he's not squashing his boyfriend. Dave grins against the shorter man's lips, pulling away, and flipping them over so he's straddling his thighs. He presses his hands into the pillow either side of Joel's head, leaning down to kiss him.   
"This okay?" He breathes heavily.  
"Abso-fucking-loutely." His hands wander, one slides under the British man's shirt, the other grabs his ass.  
"Good." He fumbles taking off his shirt, both laughing quietly again. When he leans down to kiss Joel again a curtain of hair falls around them, shutting out all of their bedroom except each other. Dave kisses a trail down his face and jawline to his boyfriend's neck. Joel tilts his head, giving him more access while his eyelids flutter shut and he moans softly. Dave leaves a cluster of dark lovebites he's had to resist previously, so they wouldn't be seen in videos. Once he feels Joel is suitably marked up he pulls away and admires his work proudly.

Joel takes this pause to quickly remove Dave's jeans and his sweatpants. Now he's naked, and Dave's just in his Calvin Klein boxers. He goes to kiss the long haired boy, but he's moving down the bed. He puts his pale hands on his legs, and carefully spreads the tanned thighs. Joel's head falls back as Dave takes his cock in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the head in a way he knows drives him crazy. He kitten licks the tip, then licks a vein all the way along his shaft, digging his tongue in slightly to make the most of the sensitive spot. Joel gasps then moans, drawn out, low and loud.

Dave makes unbroken eye contact with Joel as he relaxes his throat, taking him as deep as he can, bobbing his head, somehow looking innocent even with a dick in his mouth. Joel's pupils are blown wide with lust as he watches his boyfriend swallow around his cock prettily. He tangles his hand into the brown and red hair, guiding his head.  
"God I love you." Dave's eyes close and he moans at the simple words. The vibrations go straight through Joel, who gasps and pulls Dave's head away quickly. He breaks the chain of saliva connecting his lips to his boyfriend's cock, pouting. "Jesus fuck holy shit Dave." He gasps laughing, kissing his swollen red lips.  
"You fucking virgin." Dave laughs, tugging off his boxers. Joel slaps his ass at the comment, making him squeal and jump a little.  
"Do you need stretching baby?" He asks, laughing slightly at his reaction.  
"Nah, I'm still good from last night." Dave grins, kissing him deeply.  
"Mmm~ oh fuck." Joel swears loudly as Dave sinks slowly onto his cock, head thrown back and moaning like a pornstar. Joel's head hits the headboard and he grabs Dave's hips roughly.

Dave stays still for a moment, adjusting before he begins raising his hips slowly, building up speed until he finds a steady rhythm. Moans fall from his lips, and his breaths come heavily. He shifts slightly and when he bottoms out Dave collapses, moaning and swearing, clawing into the Swedish boy's chest.  
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-" He whimpers. "There, fuck, hng~" He burys his face in his neck, embarressed by the sounds he's making despite having been together for four years. 

When Dave sits back up Joel takes control, lifting his boyfriends hips and hitting his prostate repeatedly. The younger man tugs Dave's fist out of his mouth.   
"C'mon baby. I want to hear your moans." Dave's plump lips fall open prettily, a string of moans coming from them. Joel starts snapping his hips up roughly to meet Dave's movements. He watches, moaning, as he comes apart at his hand. When he starts tugging on the long hair, Dave cums. His jaw drops and his eyes roll back, nails digging into Joel's sides painfully. His bones turn to jelly and he paints their chest with white streaks. The sight is enough to send the Swedish man over the edge, his grip loosening and causing the older man to fall into his chest as his boyfriend spills his cum inside of him.

"Shit." Dave giggles, lifting himself off Joel's softening dick.  
"Shit indeed." He smiles, kissing his nose and trying to move.   
"No, don't leave! Stay here and cuddle, I feel all afterglowy." Dave panics, grabbing his arm.  
"Little dove, I'll be right back to cuddle, I'm just going to grab a towel to clean us up." He kisses his forehead, smoothing out his concerned wrinkles.  
"Hurry up." Joel runs to grab a dirty towel and gently wipe his boyfriend and himself, before cuddling in with Dave.   
"You happy?" Joel asks, braiding small parts of his hair.  
"I feel like I'm floating." Dave giggles. "Jesus, I'm so glowy already. I dread to think what you'll have to deal with later."  
"I love it, don't worry baby." He smiles looking at his pleasure drunk boyfriend.   
"Mmm." He snuggles into Joel's chest. "I love you."   
"I love you too little dove."

Half an hour later Dave is being securely tied to the headboard.   
"Y'know," Joel giggles, trying to tie a knot in the tie but failing. "We have handcuffs that would make this so much easier."  
I know, but using formal ties is hot." He laughs at Joel's pout. "Give up sweetheart, we can do this another time." Joel sighs in relief, undoing the knots swiftly.  
"Thank god. I've forgotten how to bind you with these fucking things." Dave laughs, flexing his newly freed wrists. He pounces on Joel, knocking him back onto the bed and kissing him roughly. Joel's eyes widen, and he breaks the kiss, pinning Dave down instead.  
"You little devil." He laughs. Dave just grins and kisses him again.  
"I'm your favourite devil." He teases, gasping when Joel begins to suck marks into his neck and collarbone.  
"Damn right you are." He growls, nipping the skin gently. Dave inhales sharply, biting his lips so as to not moan and give Joel the satisfaction of seeing his effect on the older boy. Subconsciously his eyes close and his head tilts, so despite there being no verbal confirmation Joel can see Dave enjoys the attack on his neck.

When Joel sits back, freeing Dave from his grasp the long haired man flips himself over. His ass is in the air, but his chest is against the mattress, spine curving.  
"Fuck-" Joel whispers, before kissing down Dave's back. He reaches for the lube, tugging on himself slowly while kissing down his thighs.

With one hand he spreads his boyfriend's ass and gently pushes himself in. Dave's moans are muffles by the pillow but Joel's low ones ring out across the room. When he bottoms out he waits for Dave to let him know he's okay. After a few seconds Dave mumbles for Joel to:  
"Fucking move or I will." With this request in mind Joel begins to move, shallowly and slowly. He speeds up, thrusting deeper, making Dave'swhole body move when his thighs are flush to his ass. The bed rocks, hitting the wall and making more noise to piss off the neighbours.

Joel quickly becomes annoyed by the pillow muffling the noises Dave's making. He grabs his long hair roughly, pulling his boyfriends head up and drawing an animalistic moan from his lips.  
"Fuck Joel-" he moves, propping himself up on his elbows. "I fucking love you."   
"I love you too baby." Joel moves the angle he's thrusting at, and grabs Dave’s hips roughly enough to leave bruises. When he hits Dave’s prostate repeatedly the older man seems to break. 

Dave slips, elbows collapsing and head hitting the pillows. Loud moans spill from his lips like a fountain and his hands twist fists into the sheets. Joel pants heavily, hands sliding down his thighs slightly, leaving more bruises.  
“Joel, Joel, fuck, Joel, Joel, Joel-” Dave chants like a mantra, or as if its the only word he knows. Joel bites his lip harshly, drawing blood as he tries not to cum, still thrusting deeply into his boyfriend and hitting the sensitive bundle of nerves. Simply the sight of his boyfriend coming completely unravelled is enough to make him orgasm, nevermind Dave’s tight walls squeezing around him, or the filthy chant of his name he’s taken up.

When Dave cums again untouched, loudly and completely collapsing, Joel allows himself to release. Both men shudder, Joel leaning over and moaning right into Dave’s ear as he fills him up for the second time that night. 

Dave doesn’t speak - he’s not entirely sure he can - just makes grabby hands at Joel. He lies down, pulling the older man into him, holding him tight.  
“You okay petal?” He strokes his hair.  
“Mm.” He whimpers.  
“Oh hun- sorry.” There's a few moments of silence.   
“It’s okay. You just frazzled my brain a bit. My bloody hips hurt.” He pouts, poking the bruises appearing on his waist and thighs.  
“Oh sorry little dove, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Joel frowns, rubbing the red marks gently.  
“It’s okay. I like it really.” He grins, kissing his jaw softly.   
“Hmm.” Joel hums quietly. “Do you want me to run you a bath?”  
“That’d be nice. Stay here for just now though,I like this.” Dave absentmindedly traces shapes on Joel’s chest.

After an hour or so Joel decides to run Dave’s bath. He carries him to it despite his protests. While he’s relaxing and washing Joel puts his sweatpants back on and changes the bed, so it's clean for when Dave comes back.

When he does, with wet hair and looking sleepy Joel spoons him, and they fall asleep tucked together.


	15. Chit Chat (Kitty Cat Cameo)

Dave pulls up skype a few days later, as Jaiden had wanted to catch up with him.  
“Hey!” She smiles, her face filling his screen.  
“Hello, how are you?” He grins, happy to see his friend.  
“I’m good, you?”  
“Not too bad actually, I miss Joel but I’m dealing.”  
“Oh, where is he?” Jaiden frowns.  
“He went to some meeting in London for youtubers who are cool or something.” Dave laughs. “We can laugh, we weren't invited but neither was Felix.” Jaiden giggles softly. There's a loud squawk.  
“Oh, hello Ari.” He continues to shout away at Jaiden. “Okay, okay, I’ll let you and Tofu out.”   
“So how are the birds?” He asks, when she sits back down.  
“Loud.” Dave laughs.  
“Well clearly. They have loud valid opinions.”  
“Of course! Ari wants to run for president and I fully support him.” Jaiden says, stroking Tofu.  
“If I was American he’d have my vote.” Dave stands up. “Sorry, I’m going to turn on some lights, it's awfully dark.” When he sits back down Jaiden frowns.  
"Tilt your head?" She requests. Confused, Dave does. "Frick dude. I thought it was funky shadows - was that Joel?" He looks at himself on the screen and realises there's a massive cluster of hickeys visible.  
"Shit- I didn't think it was that bad." Dave absently traces them with his fingertips. "I've not looked in the mirror in like, two days. Under this hood my hair is gross. Fuck, they're bad." Jaiden laughs at his concern.  
"Be careful with who sees them. We all know how fans can be." Dave nods.  
"I hope Joel's being careful with his. Wait-" he pulls his jeans down slightly. "Fucking hell."   
"What?"  
"Look." He stands, showing the fingerprint like bruises across his hips. "They go right down my thighs. I'm going to kill him."  
"Jesus dude - what did he do to you? I don't want to know actually." She laughs.  
"You really don't. How's your love life?"   
"Well," she blushes. "James asked me out."   
"No way!" He gasps.  
"Yeah. A few weeks ago. We went for coffee the other day and we're going to watch shrek later."  
"I'm so happy for you! I want details, have you kissed him? Is he a good kisser?"  
"I guess." She laughs. "He's not bad, he's a fairly average kisser."  
"Who's a fairly average kisser?" James asks, coming into the room.  
"Did you just break into my house?" Jaiden spins around after her scared jump.  
"You say breaking in, I say surprise entering." He laughs, while Dave sits awkwardly. "Oh hey Dave! How's it going?"  
"Pretty good, thanks James. You?"  
"Yeah, alright."  
"Look after Jaiden now. I'm going to go and let you two have fun. Sorry it was so short, I'll call you again another time."  
"Don't go!" Jaiden stops him. "I want to keep chatting, James can stay or go, it's up to you."  
"I don't mind, I just assumed you'd prefer to be alone."  
"Nah, I don't often get to talk to you, but James is always here. He's like a fly." Jaiden pokes him.  
"Ouch. Flyzoned." James feigns falling over in pain, then jumps back up. "What's that on your neck?"  
"It's lovebites." Dave says, turning red.  
"Jeez dude."  
"He also has bruises all down his waist and legs." Jaiden giggles.  
"Fucking hell, what was Joel trying to do, get you pregnant or something?" Dave laughs nervously.  
"Actually, yes. I have the carrier gene. We've been trying for about 4 months now." He smiles. Both young Americans look stunned.  
"Wow, congratulations! Haha, I'm funny, gettit? Like the song?" James laughs through his confusion.  
"What's the carrier gene?" Jaiden asks.  
"Did they not teach you this in biology?" They shake their heads. "Oh. Basically it's a rare gene that surfaces, that is - at its simplest - a man who can get pregnant. I have working ovaries and stuff."  
"So… you have periods?" Jaiden frowns. "Sorry, this is confusing."  
"It's weird, sorry. No, I don't. I do have like, a menstrual cycle? I just don't have an actual period."  
"Is that why you're so feminine?" James asks.  
"No, that's just because I'm a bottom." (No hate to masc bottoms or fem tops lolol) The young couple fall over hysterically, while Dave watches like a confused Dad.  
"Okay, sorry Dave. I'm happy for you and Joel!" Jaiden smiles once she's calmer.  
"Yeah, good luck! And if you ever need to escape we're always happy to have you!" James grins, bouncing around.   
"Thank you." Dave yawns. "It's getting late, I need to sleep. I'll talk to you again soon. Bye!"   
"Bye Dave."   
"See you soon!" Jaiden ends the call and  
Dave goes to bed.

The next day Marzia spent the day at the Brown-Bergult house.  
"Thanks for coming over Marz." Dave pours tea for the both of them.  
"It's fine, I'm glad to have an excuse to leave. Felix is filming with Seán today - it's very loud. All 'FLOOR GANG HOUGH' and 'DING DING TOP OF MORNING.'" She imitates the boys and Dave laughs.  
"You poor thing."  
"Mmm. Usually me and Evelien go for coffee together, but she's in Holland just now. Besides, I love being here. It's calm." She smiles, looking peaceful.  
"Thank you. Any news, any tea?" He giggles.  
"Not really. How are you coping without your Swede?" Marzia sips her tea elegantly.   
"It could be worse. I'm okay. I keep wanting to take tests, because Joel won't let me so I have a chance to, but I'm fighting my urges." He pauses. "I sound like an addict. A test addict - wow."  
"Aw, Dave. It's understandable, but try to stay strong. Talk to me, and others, and if you do take tests make sure someone's here."  
"Yeah…" He zones out, thinking about the tiny chance he could be pregnant.  
"Oi!" Marzia snaps her fingers in front of Dave. "Space boy. You alright?"   
"Yeah, sorry - what were you saying?" Dave smiles fakely.  
"I can't remember now uh-" They laugh together.  
"Oh I had an idea. Why don't you do some baby stuff with your brand? Because you and Felix want children too - I thought it could be cute."  
"I love that! What are yours and Joel's nursery plans, if you have any?"  
"Well, baby's room will be Jonas' old one, obviously." He frowns. "I've not really talked to Joel about it. I like the idea of very unisex cute themes - like the ocean or zoo. What about you?"  
"A theme would be so cute! Felix jokes about having a game themed nursery, but I'd like a simple white, pastelly kind of traditional one." Dave nods.  
"That'd be lovely. We both need rocking chairs though."  
"Ikea probably does them, I'd paint mine, we'll have to go together."  
"That's a video for the boys too, Swedish boys in english ikea. Keep them entertained while we shop." Marzia nods.   
"I think I'll wait until I'm actually pregnant, but I'd love to go with you. It'll be a nice day out honestly."  
"Absolutely. Well, guess we'd better get pregnant just for our ikea day now." Marzia laughs loudly.  
"Felix would try his hardest if it meant he could flaunt his swedishness." Dave snorts.  
"So would Joel. Stupid Swede boys. Why are they so lovable, they're just dumbasses."   
"It's the blue eyes." Dave nods.  
"Makes sense."

When Joel comes home a few days later he's riddled with anxiety. He's scared for Davw, and the whole drive home he doesn't stop fidgeting. When he unlocks the door his hands are shaking so much he drops his keys four times. When he finally walks in his heartbeat is so loud in his ears he can't hear anything else. 

Badum.

Badum.

Badum.

Trembling he walks on autopilot into the kitchen.

He stops dead at the scene in front of him. 

Dave…

A knife…

Red…

"Are you cooking?" Joel asks, confused. Dave jumps, his hand jumping to his chest. His mouth drops open when he realises its Joek standing there. He puts the knife down beside the peppers he was chopping and runs to his boyfriend. Throwing himself into his arms he breathes in Joel's scent, holding on to him tightly. He staggers backwards a little on impact, but quickly hugs Dave back. After a few moments he grabs the Swedish biys face and kisses him needily. Joel's eyes widen in shock, before closing as he kisses back. Dave's hands wrap into his hair and grab his jacket, trying to pull him impossibly closer. When Joel inevitably has to pull away for air Dave's lips chase his and he whines.  
"Hello baby." Joel laughs, out of breath. "Did you miss me?"   
"No." Dave says stubbornly, cuddling into his chest.  
"No? Well I missed you. A lot. So." He slips the bobble out of Dave's hair and onto his wrist, running his hands through it gently. "Besides, I think the way you greeted me a minute ago, and the fact you're wearing my clothes says otherwise. You look very cute in them by the way." Daves stole a pair of his sweatpants and an oversized pitchy hoodie. He blushes deeply.  
"Shut up."   
"Maybe." Joel begins to smatter kisses all over the older boy's face.  
"I love you, but-" he presses a finger to his lips.  
"I'm going to stop you there." Their lips meet again, gently locking together.  
"You're a dick darling." Dave sighs.  
"I love you too baby." Joel teases. "Cooking, huh?"  
"Yeah. I wanted to have a nice dinner for you to come back to. But you're home early."   
"I wanted to see you sooner. And thank you, that's very sweet baby. I can help you finish if you want?"  
"That'd be nice."  
"Okay." Joel pecks Dave and lets him go, passing him his bobble. "I'm going to get changed and get my stuff in from the car. Then I'll help you." He rushes out. Dave sighs, hoping Joel doesn't find his secret under the sink.

When Joel returns they finish cooking, messing about while they do. The swedish man finds great joy in slapping Dave's ass with a tea towel and making him squeal. When Joel does this while he's washing the pans the Brit retaliates by splashing him. Things escalate quickly and they end up playfully wrestling. Joel pins Dave's hands above his head, and holds his legs down with his thighs.

Dave's face blazes red, and he looks up at his smug boyfriend. Joel closes the small gap between them and presses their lips together quickly.  
"I win." He whispers down the older man's ear, before getting up and offering him his hand. He takes it begrudgingly, still red.  
"I hate you." He whines.  
"Love you too beetroot boy."   
"Fuck off." Dave splashes him again and Joel gasps.  
"That's it, you're getting it now David." He tries to run, but Joel picks him up and throws him onto the sofa. He pins him down again and begins to tickle him.  
"Stop it- Joel no!" Davr begins to laugh uncontrollably. "I'm sorry! Joel! I love you- agh! Baby! No! I'm sorry! Joeeeeel!" Joel doesn't stop, grinning maniacally.  
"You brought this on yourself, I'm all wet because of you baby."  
"That's what she said- No! Joel! Stop! Stop it!" Dave writhes, trying to get away from his boyfriend's evil grasp.

He's only saved after Quistis jumps on his chest and stretches, wanting attention.  
"Hello stupid drooly baby. Are you here to save Mom from his evil boyfriend? Yes, I love you too - ew please don't drool on me uh-" He lifts her off him and puts her on the floor. She mews in confusion. 

They return to their dinner and later, when they go to bed, Dave and Joel tangle themselves together, needing each other's embrace after seven nights of empty beds.

About a week after Joel came home from London he's checking their banks, checking that their rent and editors and everyone have been paid, when he notices something weird.

"Baby? How did you spend nearly 200 quid when I was gone?"  
"I uh," Dave begins to sweat nervously, avoiding eye contact. "I bought a load of food and groceries. And ice cream."  
"That surely can't be all? Where are you shopping? Are you buying gold carats, not edible ones?" Dave laughs weakly, and licks his lips, internally panicking.  
"Uh I bought some other stuff too."  
"Like what?" Joel asks exasperatedly, fed up of not getting a straight answer.  
"Uh, uh, dildos." Dave mentally curses his stupidity.  
"Hot."  
"Not for me you pervert. I have a human swedish dildo. It was for uh, Marzia."  
"Damn, is Felix that shit in bed?" Joel laughs.  
"No! It's for her friends, uh, sister." Dave realises he's digging himself further into this hole.  
"So you spent over a hundred quid on Marzia's friend's sister?" Joel asks in disbelief.  
"I- no." He sighs, hanging his head. "I'll- I'll pay it back I promise. I just- I had to buy them."  
"Buy what love?" He asks cautiously.  
"Look under the kitchen sink." Joel, confused but curious, goes to look.

There, at the back, like an obscure jenga tower is a stack of pregnancy tests. Joel guesses there's about twelve.  
"Oh love- oh baby." He cuddles the taller man, pulling him onto his knee.   
"I- I didn't take any. But having the option too helped. I don't know why. I didn't want to break my promise to Marzia and you though."  
"Alright baby. It's okay. Well done for not taking one. Should I hide them?"  
"I- you're not mad I spent all that money?"   
"It's your money, I don't really care what you do with it. I was just curious. And no, I'll never be mad."  
"Okay. Hide them later." Dave snuggles into him.  
"Okay baby. Is there anything else I can do?"  
"I need to get out for a bit. For my birthday I want to spend a couple of weeks in America, with Jaiden, James and maybe Mykie."  
"Okay. We'll try to organise that for you."  
"Thank you - I love you."  
"I love you too baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact - the dildo part t the end is based on a real occasion in my life where i was lying panicked and said dildos instead of something logical.


	16. America, Fuck Yeah

A month later Dave gets his break. After an exhausting stress inducing flight, a drug check and another hour in a taxi he finally arrived at James's house. 

"Hi!" The young animator hugs him cheerily. 

"Hello." Dave yawns. 

"Oh- let's get you into bed. Was your flight bad?"

"Didn't sleep on it. I'm just tired. Thanks James." Dave doesn't even take his clothes off, just gets into the spare bed. As soon as his head hits the pillow he falls asleep. 

The next morning when he goes to find some coffee he enters the kitchen to find Jaiden there. 

"Hi Dave!" She smiles, going to hug him.

"Hey Jaiden. How are you?"

"I'm fine, you? James has just gone out to get some more stuff for breakfast by the way."

"Oh okay. I'm- yeah, I'm alive." He laughs awkwardly. "It's good to see you."

"And you. So, any news?" Dave locates the coffee and begins to make some.

"Nah, the usual. Shit flight, jetlagged, stressed. Joel's doing fine uh- yeah." What about you? Any news on the Jamesden front?"

"Not too much. Usual relationship stuff. God - we're boring." Dave laughs.

"We really are."

"Oh- I forgot! How's the whole baby thing?" Dave flinches a little at Jaidens harmless question.

"Not well, it's making me stressed. Which won't. Joel's stressed about it too I think. It's tearing me apart a bit - I'm considering giving up." Dave looks at his lap, looking upset. Jaiden hugs him tightly, wanting to cheer him up.

"Giving up for a while might be best for both of your healths. Besides, if you're both happier and more relaxed it might happen naturally." Dave smiles weakly.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll wait a little longer but I'm hurting myself and others with it."

"You're doing the right thing. I'm always here to talk if you want."

"Thank you Jaiden, you're very sweet." She smiles and blushes lightly.

"Thank you."

A few days later the three youtubers are sitting in Jaidens living room. She's tucked herself under James's arm while he plays mario kart with Dave. The older man watches smiling at how cute his friends are together. Jaiden is working on a video on her tablet, and whenever she moves James does too, so they can both be comfortable. In between games he gently kisses her forehead or hair, and she Purvis him quickly before continuing with her drawing. 

Dave feels a pang of sadness. He never got to properly experience the 'sweet new lovers' phase. Sure, Joel had tried but he was in such a messy place with his mental health and self worth they had to sacrifice it to make Dave healthier. They'd, in a way, jumped straight to the 'we've been together for ages' stage, as they were weirdly mean, in sync and not always just cute and touchy. Joel and Dave have become more cuddly over the years funnily enough.

He hopes that, even though he and Joel didn't get their touchy bonding time, they'll get it with their child. He knows that he as their mom will already be quite bonded to them for the 9 months carrying time, but Joel will need more physical dad-baby contact.

"Hey Dave, another game?" James snaps him out of his little bubble.

"Oh, sure. After this should we get food?"

"Uh, Jaiden?" 

"Yep." She says absentmindedly. "Food. Yep." 

"She's not paying attention. Sure, food sounds good." James grins.

"Awesome OH!" Dave jumps. Suddenly Ari, who had previously been pestering Jaiden with Tofu, has landed on his arm, scaring him. "Hello birdy friend." He lifts his arm, encouraging him to sit on his shoulder so Dave can play his game.

They start the race, and Dave is winning up until the last lap because Ari jumps on his head, pulling his hair as he settles. Dave falls behind and James wins.

"Not fair, you told your bird to sabotage me so your stupid boyfriend would win." Dave fake tantrums.

"He's not stupid." Jaiden laughs.

"He didn't know Kazakhstan was a real country."

"Shut up Mr 'how did you get it out of the box?'" James giggles.

"I was six, you're in your twenties." 

"I- you may have a point." James and Dave laugh while Jaiden locks up her birds.

"Shall we go boys?" She asks, and they go to a cute vegan cafe for lunch.

While they're out Dave gets a text from Joel.

Sexy swede 💛: How're you baby?

Dave 🖤❤: Gd, hows my fav bby 

Sexy swede 💛: I'm goooooooood missin u tho 

Dave 🖤❤: I was asking abt Quistis but k 

Sexy swede 💛: Oh :(

Dave 🖤❤: I miss u 2 love 💞

Sexy swede 💛: :D 

Sexy swede 💛: Me n Jonas r go set up for the thing gtg luv u xx

Dave 🖤❤: OOH gl keep me updated i love u 2 xx 

Sexy swede 💛: Kk x

Dave grins, after a month of dilly dallying Jonas is finally proposing.

"What's got you so smiley Dave?" James laughs. "Not very on brand."

"I can't tell you. Secret."

"I don't want to know what Joel texted you." Jaiden mutters darkly, and Dave laughs loudly.

"Nothing like that, jeez. It's something sweet, you'll see it on social media if all goes right."

"Ooh, a surprise!" James says in an overly cartoonish voice.

A few hours later Dave gets another text.

Sexy Swede 💛: SHE SAID YES!!!!

Dave 🖤❤: omg congrats send my 💞

Sexy Swede 💛: insta vid will be up in a bit x

Dave 🖤❤: cute can't wait 💞 xx

Sexy Swede 💛: yeah hehe 💞

For the second week of his break Dave flies to LA to stay with Mykie. 

"Hai!" She greets him excitedly at the airport. "How are you?"

"Good, you?" He laughs, hugging her. For a small person she has a lot of energy.

"Awesome! Anthony is in the car by the way."

"Oh, I forgot you have a cool famous boyfriend now." He laughs.

"Poor Joel, is he not cool and famous?"

"He idolised your boyfriend - he had the haircut." Mykie laughs.

"Send him a pic with Anthony, make him jealous."

"He would cry." Dave jokes, and they get in the car. "Hi, I'm Dave, nice to meet you." He greets Anthony politely.

"Hey man. Good flight?" 

"Not the worst. I was checked twice though."

"Drugs? Sorry dude."

"Yeah, Dave's a hardcore stoner, didn't you know?" Mykie giggles. 

"Shut up, I'm a good boy not a snoop dogg. I'm not a cool rapper."

"You rap?" Anthony asks, looking confused. "I thought you were a nerdy channel."

"I literally rapped for Pewdiepie." Dave laughs. "Y'know, that small channel?"

"WAIT. You're the congratulations guy?"

"Sorry, he's a bit slow. Anthony, how many other friends does Roomie have with long hair and a red streak?"

"I don't know. I'm stupid." Dave giggles in the backseat.

"Friends." He laughs.

"Oh shoot, I forgot."

"Well done! You forgot I'm gay." He giggles. "Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee and not a lot of sleep."

"Red bull caffeine highs are better." Mykie points out. "Ooh we should film some videos while you're here."

"Uh, maybe. Depends what we do."

"Don't worry I won't put makeup on you. We could maybe do FX on you, a glam and gossip or you could do my makeup."

"Yeah maybe."

"I'll sit in the corner and wonder why you want to film with Dave more than me." Anthony pretends to cry.

"Because he's my buddy and I don't often see him.

(Written as viewers see it)

"Haylo zombaes! Today Dave's back!" 

"Hello!" He waves.

"So- you're doing my makeup?"

"I think so?" Dave laughs like a deer caught in the headlights. 

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm confident in the lips, I did Marzia's makeup once and I was great there but uh, the rest? You're screwed." Mykie laughs.

"No, come on. I'm sure you'll be great!" There's a scuffle as Dave knocks things over flicking his hair. "Oh- shoot." Anthony laughs off camera.

"Sh- this is a bad start." 

There's a jump cut.

"Foundation! What're you using?"

"A ghostly one." Dave laughs.

"A ghost!" Mykie gasps. "What are you applying it with?"

"A, uh- booty blender and a big brush." He says unsure.

"Beauty blender. Okay, go for it." He squirts foundation onto the brush and she winces.

"Oh no what am I doing wrong?" He panics.

"Nothing that works. I'd usually put it on my hand but oh well." He begins to brush it on messily.

"Ooh, thats bad." He stares at his friend.

"But then I heard you tried to rap, I was more disappointed than when I found out Casey Neistat didn't have nice tats." She raps.

"Eyy, you listen to my music!" He grins

"Of course I do!"

"Okay, we've fixed the whole base. What's next Dave?" Mykie yells.

"Eyebrows? I don't know." He still looks terrified.

"Yes, eyebrows can go. Usually I'd contour but sure."

"Oh, brown cheek sh- stuff." She nods. He grabs some brushes and a palette and tries to chisel her face.

"A little dark but uh, okay. We can- blend it out. Use this." 

"Eyebrow time! Can I do eyebrows like my hair?" Dave asks Mykie wholesomely.

"Go for it! Wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've done."

"Of course, tiger brows." He collects some brushes and things, looking at them like they could kill him.

"Tiger brows." She sighs. "God I hate that i can say that."

"What do eyebrows look like?" Dave asks. Mykie bursts out laughing.

"Whatever you want them to."

"Okay." Dave begins to draw an outline.

"WE'VE MADE CONTACT! ALERT! MISSION EYEBROW IS UNDERWAY!" He jumps.

"Shh! You'll make me eff up!"

"Okay, okay." He continues drawing. "AH!" Dave jumps, glares at Mykie and throws a beauty blender at her.

"Abuse!" She looks shocked. "Are you seeing this Anthony? Are you not going to swoop in and save me?"

"No, you deserve it. Dave's trying his best here." 

"Thank BRO." Dave shouts, pretending to be manly.

"No problem BRO." Anthony stands up and they bro-hug.

"You are so rude, fine. I'll get my real protectors." Mykie huffs and opens the door. The two dogs rush in happily. She picks them up. 

"Oh god, you got another one." Dave groans. 

"Ripley, you remember Dave? The meanie who called you an it? Phantom baby say hello, be nice David." He sighs and pats Phantoms head. He just wags his tail, while Ripley is far more hyper.

"Oh, I like the new one. It's chill."

"IT! Baby don't listen to him, you're a handsome boy. But yes, HE'S very chill."

"I'm still a cat boy." Dave ignores Mykie as she is tackled by the dogs.

"We have eyebrows!" Mykie announces.

"Wonky ones." Dave smiles sheepishly.

"Oh, they match you."

"Rude."

"Hey, I actually love them. Shape could be better but I kind of love the red end." Mykie smiles encouragingly.

"Don't come for my branding." He warns jokingly. "What's next?"

"Uh, I don't know. Eyeshadow." 

"Oh no- let's go."

"What are your plans with this look?" Mykie asks as Dave messily brushes black into her crease.

"Black and red glam. Maybe brown too."

"Yes, use brown. Straight black and red won't blend."

"Oh." He frowns, looking at his brush. Taking a new one he swaps to a brown shadow. 

"So a red smokey eye? Cool. Emo going out wear."

"Uh, sure." Dave looks lost.

"Yes. Okay." When he goes to change colour Mykie sneaks a look. "Oh- okay uh, black first. That was, uh, bold."

"I've effed up. Sorry to your face."

"I've seen worse."

"WOAH HOLD ON." Mykie grabs Dave's arm when he reaches for lashes and eyeliner. "Should I do my lashes?"

"Okay. But first - eyeliner." She looks scared. "I'll be gentle."

"That's what he said-"

"Leave."

"Sorry mom." 

"Y'know I dont hate this. It's messy but the look could be lovely if you practised." Mykie admires herself in the mirror.

"Thanks, but I don't really want to practise." Dave laughs awkwardly.

"Fair enough. I feel like an emo princess right now. Okay so, highlight then lips and we're done."

"That's the shiny stuff, right?"

"Yes! Yay, you're learning!" Mykie claps Dave, who looks off camera at Anthony for help.

"Hey man, I can't do anything." He laughs.

Dave swipes on highlighter vaguely in the right places.

"Alright! Not too bad. Choose some lips. Drawer beside you." Mykie points it out to him. He emerges with a dark red. 

"This… this I can do. Lips are my domain."

"I thought your domain is d-"

"Delicious food, yes." Dave laughs and Mykie can't reply because he begins to apply liquid lipstick.

"OOH PRETTY. Shall we finish this look?"

"Yes." Dave grins.

"We're back!" Mykies put on a long bright red wig, and Dave is wearing the purple one.

"So, how did I do?" He pulls off his wig and cap, letting his hair fall messily.

"Pretty good honestly! Your base needs serious work, but eyebrows and eyes are just a little messy. The lips are frankly amazing." Mykie grins. "What do you think Anthony?"

"This is better than the crap you do." He laughs, and she looks scandalized.

"You can leave, rude boy."

"No."

"Welcome to third wheeling with Boyinaband." Dave peace signs at the camera.

"Welcome to being ignored by your girlfriend for 3 hours because of a boy with cooler hair, with Anthony Padilla."

"Welcome to the Glam and Gore channel. Not welcome, goodbye. Bye zombaes!"

Dave spends the rest of the week in LA having fun with Mykie, and also gets to see Corpse Husband. He comes home to Joel far happier than before he left. 

As they cuddle the night of Daves return, Joel asks if he can ask a couple of questions.

"Only if I can ask one back." Dave yawns, lying on Joel's chest.

"Sure."

"Go first love."

"Okay, they're a bit weird. First is, what will our kids call you? Dad? Mom? Mamma?" Dave thinks quietly.

"I'm growing to like mom. If I birth them I'll be their mom. What will you be called?"

"I'd like to be called pappa, like in Sweden. Mom. I like that. Mommy Dave."

"Pappa Joel. Pappa is soft, I like it. Suits you."

"Thank you baby."

"What's your other question?"

"Really weird but I was talking to Jonas and we ended up wondering - can you breastfeed?" Joel laughs nervously.

"Yes. So can all men. They're just not naturally stimulated like women are from pregnancy. They need more coaxing. If I were to be pregnant I assume my body would naturally uh, produce milk. The real question is will I? Probably not." Dave squirms uncomfortably.

"Oh. Weird. You know breast fed babies are healthier?"

"Yes. But I don't know if I want to. Would you? I don't need to think about it just now."

"Okay baby. What was your question?"

"Should we tell them? The world. About us. Because if we have a baby - that's kind of big. I'd want to occasionally talk about them. And we can't hide a baby the way we hide that we live together."

"Maybe… I'm not ready yet. But soon. Okay?"

"Okay. I love you Joelly."

"Love you too baby


	17. Trick Or Treaters And Serious Talks TM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter sorry

Two months later Halloween rolls around. Dave decides to finally talk to Joel about giving up actively trying for kids. They have been for 8 months, and it's taking a toll on both of their health.

Dave smiles, handing out sweets to a group of toddlers and their mums, who thank him kindly.  
"Hair touch?" One boy asks brightly.  
"What's the magic word?" His mother asks.  
"Pwease?" Dave's heart melts, the tiny tot is so adorable.  
"Is he allowed to?" She asks, smiling.  
"Sure. Be gentle with it though." Dave sits in his hall and the little boy grabs his hair, trying to be careful. Soon the four other toddlers are also messing with it.  
“It’s so long!” One little boy dressed as a skeleton exclaims. He’s around four, a year or two older than the others.   
“It is, isn’t it?” Dave laughs softly.  
“Are you a princess?” A small girl dressed as Belle asks.  
“He’s a boy Ruby.” Her mum laughs.  
“Yeah, but boys can be princesses too.” Dave smiles, and the little girl takes off her tiara, plonking it on his hand.  
“Princess boy!” She giggles.  
“Aww, thank you. But you’re the real princess here Ruby.” He carefully recrowns her.  
“How do you know my name?” She gasps. “Magic princess powers?”  
“Yes. but shh, it's a secret.” Ruby puts her finger to her lips and runs to her mum.  
“Mummy, he’s a magic princess! But shh, it's secret!” Her mum laughs, waving at Dave. He waves back. The other mothers take back their children and move on. Dave closes the door and jumps because Joel is standing there.   
“That was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen baby.” He kisses him gently. “Princess Dave.”  
“Prince Joel.” He giggles softly.  
“I’m a right Prince Charming, aren't I?”  
“No. I’m the fairest in the land. Now c’mon dork, there's horror movies to binge.” 

Later the knocks slow and they become surprised when there's new people. They hear a knock later, and Dave detangles himself from his place cuddled into Joel. When he answers the door there’s a few short teenagers dressed as vampires and video game characters.  
“Hello!” Dave greets them happily. “How are you all?”  
“Who is it baby?” Joel yells.  
“Just more trick or treaters darling. Bring me the sweets please.”  
“B-but, you’re- ?” The boy in front with long-ish sandy hair stutters. “You’re Dave!” He exclaims, and Dave knows he’s fucked up.  
“Who’s Dave?” One kid whispers to another.  
“Not a clue mate.”  
“Yeah, I’m Dave, uh, what's your name?” He fumbles uncomfortably.  
“I’m Marsh, Marshall.” Joel comes to the door at this moment.  
“Hey guys, you’re probably our last, take what you want. You alright love, you look a little pale, could say ghostly.” Joel giggles, but Dave ignores his terrible joke.  
“He knows who we are, he heard us.” He hisses.  
“Holy shit- Joel I- Are you okay?” Marsh is practically vibrating with excitement now, but stops when he sees his idols distress.  
“Hey Marsh, you seem like a great kid. Could you do me and Joel a massive favour, and not tell anyone? We’re not ready to be out online yet.” Dave smiles kindly.  
“Oh, yeah. Of course. I wouldn’t out you like that.” Marsh smiles, still very starstruck.  
“Thanks. Hey, uh, want a hug? Photos? Emotional support?” Joel asks, mildly scared he's going to spontaneously combust. He opens his arms and the boy falls into them. His friends watch, completely confused, and eating sweets. Marsh pulls away reluctantly to hug Dave, looking like he’s going to cry.  
“You alright?” Dave asks, hugging him back a little awkwardly.  
“Yeah, I just- I’ve watched you guys since I was six and like- do you even know how many lives you’ve saved? How many friends have been made through you?” You- agh!” Dave and Joel smile at each other softly.  
“We have amazing fanbases.” Dave admits.  
“Because you’re amazing people.” Marsh grins.

They take pictures with Marsh and chat for a while before his friends get impatient and he has to leave.  
“He was sweet.” Dave says, closing the door.  
“Yeah. I just hope he doesn’t say anything. I’m not ready yet.” Joel bites his lip nervously, and his boyfriend cradles him against his chest.  
“I know sweetheart. I’m sure he won’t. I’m sure everything will be fine.” Dave kisses his head, as gentle as a feather.

A few movies later Dave finally decides to speak up.  
“Hey Joel? Can I talk to you about something?” Joel pauses Annabelle.  
“Yeah sure. You okay?”   
“Yeah, yeah.” Dave wriggles slightly in his boyfriend's lap. “Well, actually no. But neither are you. We’re both stressed and sad. And that's not good. So I was wondering… Should we stop trying so hard to have kids?”   
“Are you sure you’re okay with that? We both really want kids…” Joel mumbles quietly.  
“Yeah, I spoke to Marzia and Jaiden about it. We won’t stop completely. But we can go back to our normal diets, routines, our normal lives. We just won’t use condoms and stuff. Last time it happened we were both happy, relaxed and completely normal. Y’know? It’s affecting us both, mentally and physically.” Dave cuddles into Joel. “I just want me, you, us back, happy and just normal.”  
“Okay.” He kisses his head. “We’ll stop. You’re right, we need to look after ourselves more.”   
“Really?” Dave lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Awesome. I love you.”  
“I love you too baby.”


	18. Coming Out, Christmas and Cuddles

Somehow another month passes, and it's December. Joel returns to youtube on the first with a voices video, and a promise to do daily videos in December again. Dave and him have decided to both drop their coming out videos in the first week, with Joel's first.

After Joel drops his, he cries. Dave cuddles him, saying he's so proud of him, and that he's sure everyone will love him still, that anyone who doesn't isn't a true fan. And he's right - Joel is met with almost all positive reactions.

(Some video highlights.)

"Hey, I'm Joel from Roomie Official and welcome back to another daily video in December. Today, we need to talk.

"I have known for a long while that I am not straight. I have dated men for years now. I've just been scared of coming out.

"The music industry doesn't always welcome LGBT people, and I have been scared because I post music content, you will be the same. I think my community is nice enough that I can now.

"So I'm sure you all want to know what label I identify as? Daddy. Sorry I should- youtube don't demonatise me please! Oh wait I'm coming out you'll demonatise me anyway uh- ANYWAY! I identify as bisexual, as women are great and men are great and yeah I should shut up.

"I hope you can all love and accept me still. My content won't change or anything, but I wanted to be honest with you all.

"So uh, I'm gay from Joelofficial, bi!" 

Everyone is super sweet and accepting. Reading the comments Joel cries again, reading his subscribers love, support, pride and their stories. On Twitter his friends, like Felix and the twosetviolin boys, as well as people he doesn't know as well, like PJ, Seán and Mark all shared their love and admiration. Dave was silent online, but in real life he showered him in kisses, love and pride.

The next day Dave released his.

(More highlights.)

"Hi! I'm Dave from Boyinaband. As you can see from the title of this video, I have to tell you something. I'm releasing a book! No, don't worry. I'm not actually. I'm just a raging homosexual.

"I have been ready to tell you this for years, before spectrum came out. However my partner wasn't ready so I stayed in the closet for them. As my partner is now- why do I keep saying my partner? It's Joel, do some detective work, I'm living in his - our - house, I collab with him loads, I sleep in his bed, I'm dating Roomie. Yeah anyway he's out now so I can be gay on the internet.

"It probably won't be too surprising that I am into guys, as 89% of my hate comments say 'gay' or 'fag' in them. Shout out to the creative 11%, thank you for taking the time to think of a new way to insult me. Weirdly, I appreciate it, keep it up.

"Being part of the LGBTQ+ community isn't all i want to talk about though. In the future I want to use my platform to talk about my experiences and help others. This will also be with mental health, being gay, being online and toxic or abusive relationships. I want everyone to be as happy and safe as possible.

"I took patreon money despite this video being just me talking. That's because I donated it to LGBT youth charities. I also have a load of my own money, and if you can donate there's links in the description. Having these resources could save lives. If I'd have had them at hand when i was a teen I wouldn't have felt quite as wrong or lonely.

"I'm sure you want me to tell you what box I fit into, pan? No? Gay? Demi? The truth is, I don't. I use the label queer. I suppose I'm the closest to bi, but it's not quite right for me.

"There is one last thing. If I'm to be fully honest, and talk about my past with abuse, I must also tell you that I am in the 14.5%. I am a carrier. There's links in the description for you to read and educate yourself on us, and I'm happy to answer any questions. Nothing said in this video makes me less of a man, remember that.

"Well I've been Queer from Boyinaboy, see you later and have a nice gay!" 

Dave cuddles into Joel after posting, not very scared about coming out, as spectrum eradicated most of the homophobes from his fandom. However he is scared of how people would react to him being a carrier.

They're so rare, and so hushed up. No carrier has been 'famous' or so open about it before. Of course the men who have been pregnant and had healthy babies are talked about a little, but so many people have never heard of them before.

"I'm sure it will be fine, your audience is very kind." Joel reassures him, stroking his hair soothingly.

"Yeah, but I'm, well, different y'know? I'm a freak to a lot of people." Dave hurts his face in Joel's chest.

"Well, I think you're amazing." He kisses his head gently. "Why don't you let people ask you questions tomorrow, to clear any confusion and educate people?"

"Maybe…" Dave muses.

A few hours later, after scrolling through twitter and seeing the slightly confused support, he announces he'll be doing a Q+A livestream, mainly to talk about LGBTQ+ and carriers.

When tomorrow comes Dave sets up his camera nervously, tossing any mess out of shot and brushing his hair before going live. His anxiety spikes as he waits for people to join, hands shaking when he opens his bottle to sip some water in an attempt to calm down.

"Hey guys!" He smiles as he sees the names begin to roll in. "How are you all? Pop your questions in the chat." He waits for people to start asking before he speaks again. "All right. Uh, hello! What are you asking… Is spectrum based on you? No, thankfully my family are wonderful and accepting. It was a little bit based on a story though. I went to a gay bar when i was about twenty-one, cute guy, bought him some drinks as you do. By the end of the night this stranger was crying into me, telling me about how he was kicked out age sixteen by his Christian family and bullied in school. He said to me that gay bars are where he feels safest. And that hit me quite hard." He waits, drinking some more water. "Will you share a lot of your relationship with Joel? Um, we've not really talked about it. He's always been very open online, while I'm more private. I think we'll probably share bits, and maybe important stuff but I don't like having everyone know everything. I will definitely talk about him though. You can ask reasonable questions but don't go too far." He reads the chat. "Where is Roomie and is it annoying living with him? He's working out in the other room, and it's bloody annoying! When he's filming I have to be quiet so I can't do anything for two hours a day, and he is just- I could throttle him. Cups everywhere! I found one in the shower! Why are you drinking tea in the shower? He's not so bad though." 

Another five or so minutes go by and then he begins to get carrier questions.

"Do I have periods? No I do not. I can have children, my ovaries and stuff all work but I don't have a period, as such. Do I have a vagina, no! Can I have children, already answered, uh- Oh! How did I find out? Funny story, I was fourteen, and I got dared to climb a tree with some friends. I got pretty far up and then fell. My parents thought I broke a rib because I was in a lot of pain, so I had an x-ray. I hadn't broken anything, I was just badly bruised. Anyway, on the x-ray they were confused because at the bottom there was extra things, so I got a sonogram thing and they found out I have a womb." He laughs.

"Has having a womb caused you trouble? Um, it's not so bad. I was bullied for it, and I get really bad cramps sometimes. Oh, and being pregnant wasn't fun for the short time I was." He moves in his chair, pulling one knee up. "Yeah I was pregnant twice. I'll talk about one time in a video and some point but I'm not ready to talk about the other time."

"Oh, how did my family react to me being gay and a carrier? My Mom and Hannah were dead happy. It meant Mom could potentially be a grandma and Hannah doesn't have to do anything. Dad couldn't care less. I'm his son and he loves me, and he says nothing will change that unless I come home supporting a rival football team " Dave laughs. "They're all amazing and I can't wait to see them at Christmas."

"How did Joel react? I said 'we need to use condoms, I'm a carrier' and he fucking turns around and guess what he says? 'Baby, you're worth way more than 5p.' Carrier bags, 5p, I honestly considered leaving him there and then. How did you and Joel get together? I'm going to talk about that in another video as it's part of a bigger story. Uh-" There's a loud bang and Dave jumps up. "Are you okay?"

"I nearly fell down the stairs again. Why are my jeans out here?" Joel groans off camera.

"I tossed them out of the way for the live." Dave explains, trying not to laugh. 

"Learn to clean properly baby, what would your Mom think?"

"Learn not to leave cups everywhere and I might!" Dave bites back.

"I- you're a dick. I'm going to get some coffee." Joel huffs.

"Make me some tea please."

"No."

"I'm live, I can't do it!" Dave pouts.

"If I do it you can't complain."

"Make it right and I won't need to."

"I make it fine!"

"No you don't! You make it so weak!" Dave sighs. "I need to answer more questions. Make me tea, don't make me tea, either way I hate you."

"I love you too baby." Dave blazes red as Joel runs off.

"For legal reasons you saw none of that."

Two weeks later Dave and Joel drive up to Dave's parent's house, as they planned a while ago to spend a week with them at Christmas so Joel can feel more like one of the family. After three hours in the car singing and talking they finally arrive. Joel knocks on the wreath bound door, holding Dave's hand in a small attempt to keep each other from the cold.

The door opens and they are ushered in by John, who hugs his son, then looks Joel up and down.

"Hey, Joel? Lovely to see you again." He embraces him too.

"Oh- hey Mr. Brown, nice to see you, thanks for having me." Joel fumbles over his words in surprise. 

"Nonsense, call me John, and it's no problem! If you make Dave happy you're always welcome here." 

"O-oh thank you." Joel blushes, as John wanders off.

"We're a warm family- OOF!" Dave stumbles back at the force of a short woman slamming into him. "Oh hello Mom!" 

"David! It's so nice to see you again! How are you doing? Still making music? You're far too thin!" She fusses over him, kissing his cheek.

"I'm fine, Mom, you remember Joel?" She spins around excitedly.

"Ooh! Hello Joel! I'm Debra, you can call me Deb's, Dave's told me all about you! It's so nice to have you here, so I can get to know you properly!" She hugs him too, and kisses his forehead. "You're both so skinny and cold! Come on through, I'll make you some tea, the fires lit." Joel drifts to Dave's side.

"She'll calm down, I've not seen her in ages and she's been so excited to spend time with you. But hey, Mom's cooking is great." Dave grins.

"Your family is amazing." Joel smiles, kissing Dave gently. They pull away after hearing a camera click.

"Mom!" 

"Sorry dear, come through I'll put the kettle on." She walks off. "Oh, John, they look so happy!" She whispers to her husband excitedly.

Dave and Joel grin at each other, kicking off their shoes and throwing their coats over the banister, which has lights and tinsel twisted around it. They run through to the kitchen, ready to eat their weight in food.

"Biscuits are in that tin, don't eat them all or you can make new ones." Debra teases Dave, who grins sheepishly and passes the tin to Joel.

"If Hannah was here they wouldn't last a minute." Dave laughs. "Where is she anyway?" 

"She's going to pop in tomorrow. She didn't want to tire you out after your drive." 

"Oh, so she's not staying with us then?" Joel asks, munching biscuits happily.

"No, she'll stay on Christmas eve and day, so she can drink but she's so close we saw no point in it." Joel and Dave nod.

"Makes sense."

"Are you enjoying those biscuits Joel? Want anything else, tea? Coffee?"

"Oh, uh, no thanks Mrs. Brown. These are delicious by the way."

"Debs." She corrects him kindly. "And thank you, I'll make more if you like them that much!" Dave can see Joel wants to protest so he interrupts. 

"That'd be lovely Mom. Is anyone else going to come round or is it just the five of us?" 

"Hannah's friend Emily might pop in as she can't get home this year, but no one else plans to." Dave nods.

"Cool, small family Christmases are the best."

"Absolutely! So glad we can finally have your family here too!" Debra smiles softly.

"You consider me family?" Joel asks, looking at Dave with an expression of pure love and adoration.

"No, you're just an acquaintance." He giggles. Joel pouts sadly, so Dave pulls him into a side hug. "Of course you're my family, you bloody idiot."

"Language David." Debra scolds absentmindedly.

"I- nevermind." 

They eat dinner together, chatting and catching up. Joel gets asked loads of questions, so the Browns can get to know him better. When Joel and Dave trapse upstairs and get in his old bed they talk and giggle for a while in whispers, before falling asleep cuddled up and holding hands.


	19. Coming Out, Christmas And Cuddles Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short shit chapter sorry. It's only really here to establish the timeline.

When Dave wakes up he feels heavy. He's cuddled into Joel in his sleep, but he untangles himself and rolls to the edge of the bed. The loss of warmth and movement wakes Joel.

"Good morning baby. You okay?" He yawns and stretches.

"If you go downstairs Mom will make you breakfast." Dave mumbles. 

"Cool, but are you okay?"

"Yeah." Dave says, you know, like a liar.

"Will you come down with me?"

"No."

"Why not?" Joel pouts.

"Because. I don't want to." Dave closes his eyes.

"Baby, talk to me please." He takes the older boy's hand, who snatches it away.

"I'm fine Joel, for fucks sake!" Joel retreats worriedly, getting dressed and running downstairs. Hannah, Debs and John are sitting there eating.

"Good morning Joel! How are you feeling? Is Dave up?" 

"Morning. I'm fine but I think Dave's a bit upset. He doesn't want to speak to me about it."

"I'll try." Hannah volunteers.

"Hannah, no. I'm his mother, I'll go." 

"You can go if I fail. He's my brother, I can annoy it out of him." She rushes off befotr anyone can stop her.

"Hey bro!" She bursts into his room loudly.

"Go away Hannah." He groans.

"Don't be grumpy, I've not seen you in ages."

"Fuck off I'm not getting up."

"You're hiding something." She analyses.

"What? No I'm not!" He says, getting all defensive.

"Yes you are. I've known you for thirty years, I can tell when you're lying. So, what're you hiding from us?"

"Nothing Hannah, fucks sake get out!" He yells.

"Fine! Fine, I'm going." She huffs, going back downstairs.

"How is he?" Debs asks. 

"Very upset. Also, definitely hiding something."

"Maybe I should try again-" Joel goes to stand up.

"Joel dear, sit down. I'm going to let him cool off a bit and then I'll take him some good and we'll chat. Don't worry, he'll be okay." Joel smiles weakly.

After about 45 minutes the boys and Hannah are watching TV and talking together, while Debra makes some toast to take to Dave. She carries it up to him with some coffee and knocks on his door. 

"Fuck off." He shouts with a hoarse voice. 

"Now David, that's no way to talk to your mother." She enters, sitting the tray on his desk. Dave's tucked into bed, tears streaming down his face. "Oh darling. What's wrong?"

"Nothing Mom." He sniffs.

"Don't lie to me, I'm your Mom, I can tell when my little boy's upset."

"I'm not your little boy anymore." Debra sits beside Dave and strokes his hair. 

"You'll always be my baby. If you ever have kids then one day you'll understand." This makes Dave cry harder. "Oh, no. Come here. Talk to me."

"I-it doesn't matter." Dave sobs into his mother's tiny shoulder. 

"Well if it made you cry it must matter a bit. If you don't want to talk, how about we try some good old diy home therapy?"

"Okay." His voice cracks, and so does her heart. 

"Alright. Get dressed into something comfy and come down to the living room." She leaves, kidding his head on the way out. "Right, you lot, relocate. Hannah you can stay if you want. Joel, John, you're not in trouble Joel dear, don't look so worried. Go somewhere else. Hannah put Clueless on, I'll get the ice cream." 

"Oh hell yes." Hannah grins. "Breakup therapy time."

When Dave comes down they have ice cream, blankets, pillows, a hairbrush and a bad chick flick movie.

"Oh god, not clueless." He tucks himself into a blanket on the floor.

"Cher is an icon, shut up." Hannah turns pink, as her love for the movie is secret. Dave laughs emptily.

"C'mere, I'm going to brush your hair, you're going to eat that ice cream and talk if you want to." Debra explains. 

"Okay." 

After around forty minutes Dave speaks.

"Something bad happened a year ago." He mumbles.

"What did bro?" Hannah asks.

"I- I-" Dave curses himself for not being able to talk. 

"Does Joel know?" Debra asks gently.

"He knows it happened, but not that it was today." He exhales loudly, and scrunches up his face. "I had an abortion that I regretted."

"Oh David." Debra hugs him and he melts into it.

"We tried for months but I couldn't get pregnant. And I feel shitty because me and Joel both want kids and if I wasn't an idiot a year ago we could have had one by now." Dave sobs. "I wish I hadn't been so compulsive, I wish I'd talked to Joel, I wish I had a baby, I wish I was happy." Debs cuddles him as he cries, and even Hannah stands and gives him a hug.

"Okay sweetheart. I think what you should try to do is talk to Joel, as he seems very sweet and understanding, then you two should relax. Spend a day together. You both seem very stressed. Alright?" She kisses his forehead gently. 

"Okay mom. I'll go and talk to him, thank you. And you too Hannah." He pokes his sister jokingly as he gets up, still sniffling. 

"I will fight you." She glares at him.

"Whatever sis." He leaves, and finds Joel and his dad deep in conversation. When the Swedish boy sees Dave his face lights up. Wordlessly he opens his arms and the long haired boy falls into them, resting his head on his shoulder. He stays there for around ten minutes, while Joel rubs his back comfortingly, until his boyfriend and Dad have finished their debate on what's more important in speakers - quality or volume.

"Let's just agree to disagree." Joel laughs. "I think Dave's probably sick of hearing us."

"Hm." Dave hums quietly.

"You alright son?" John asks cautiously, rubbing Dave's shoulder awkwardly.

"Yeah." He pulls away from Joel. "I need to talk with this idiot for a bit, you can go into the living room now. Mom will probably update you."

"Okay David. Joel, look after him." John laughs lightly.

"Don't worry John, nothing will happen." Dave pulls Joel upstairs to their bedroom and sits on the bed with his head in his hands.

"Are you alright baby?" He gives him a dry look.

"Yes. I'm fandabbydosy. No, you idiot."

"Sorry."

"Shut up and come here." Dave pulls Joel down beside him, and leans into him.

"Do you wanna talk to me about it?" He strokes his hair. Dave struggles to find the right words.

"It was a year ago. The abortion, I mean. I wish I hadn't had it. And today it's even worse because it was a year ago exactly" Joel softens and pulls Dave into his lap.

"Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry. Can I help you?" Dave begins to cry again.

"Just be here." He whispers.

"Of course." Joel kisses his head and rocks him gently. A few tears fall down his face as he cradles the sobbing boy. Dave notices and scrubs at his own eyes roughly, then wipes Joel's damp cheeks with a gentle touch.

"Hey hey hey, it's okay. What's wrong love?" 

"Nothing, nothing." Joel sniffs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." Dave says guiltily. 

"Hey, no. Don't blame yourself. I'm just thinking about y'know, babies and stuff." He smiles weakly.

"Yeah…" 

"One day." Joel promises.

"One day." Dave mumbles, unsure of whether or not that day will ever come.

They end up cuddling on their bed, talking about good memories to distract from Dave's bad ones. After a few hours Dave shyly asks Joel if he can make him some tea. He untangles himself from the older man and goes downstairs. No one is in the kitchen, so he fills the kettle, puts it on and begins to open tins and cupboards looking for sugar, tea bags and mugs. Debra comes into the room just as Joel puts down their cups.

"Oh hello Joel. I thought I heard something. What are you doing?" He shuffles awkwardly.

"I was uh making tea… if that's okay?" 

"Absolutely not." She crosses her arms. Joel looks hurt and extremely confused. 

"I- uh, sorry, I just-" He fumbles awkwardly, looking at his feet.

"C'mere boy. I'll make you both tea and bring it up for you. You need to go and look after yourself and Dave. Okay?" Debs hugs him.

"Its fine, I can make it-"

"That wasn't an option. If you leave my son alone any longer you'll have me to answer to." She threatens lightly, smiling.

"Okay, okay." He laughs awkwardly and runs upstairs to Dave.

"That was quick." He mumbles.

"Your mom says she'll make it. She forced me back up here." Joel laughs softly.

"Oh cool." Dave yawns. "Crying doesn't half tire you out, I'm almost falling asleep and it's only 3."

"Get some sleep then." 

"Nah. We should go and talk to everyone later."

"What was that Dave?" Debra asks, holding two mugs of tea.

"Just saying that I don't want to fall asleep just yet because I want to talk to all of you in a bit. Thank you." He blows the surface of his tea gently.

"No David. You and Joel need today for you. A day to stop stressing and spend time looking after each other. If you need anything, shout me. Okay?" 

"Okay mom." Dave smiles, sitting up and drinking his tea.

The rest of the day is spent cuddling, talking, watching Christmas movies and - on Dave's part - sleeping. Hannah joins them for the movie marathon, and Felix texts them after realising the date to make sure they're okay, but they're pretty much alone all day. For once, nothing sexual happens. They just need each other as comfort on the sad anniversary.

**Author's Note:**

> please uh, tell me what you think and stuff. im so sorry <3


End file.
